I feel so bad that I haven't written anything since my birthday in June. This morning I am feeling called write since I want to remember some of the things that I heard last night at the All Saints Day mass.
Yesterday was a big day for me. By the time I went to bed I felt exhausted and just mentally and emotionally drained. I finally made the decision to let go of a something that has been consuming my thoughts for some time and turn it over to God. I realized that I do not have the power to change things and that He is, once again, in control of this situation, too. Yesterday also marked what would have been Madelyn's 9 month birthday if she were still here. I also entered the last week of my 2nd trimester with baby Catherine. There were exciting things happening and then things that made me sad so they were kind of canceling each other out throughout the day until I got to mass.
I hadn't heard Monsignor give mass since Madelyn's funeral so just hearing his voice brought back memories of that day. When Madelyn died, he told us that she was considered a saint. Last night he spoke about how all of the saints up in heaven are like fans at a football game, always there to cheer us on and they are constantly praying for us. I needed to hear those words so bad. I always just think that those of us on earth are the only ones praying, but indeed, it is a 2-way street. We are still connected. They aren't just with us one day of the year, but every single day they are by our side. I was very aware of that in the immediate months after Madelyn's death. That feeling had faded, but I think it's back now. I'm not quite sure what did it but after I went up to receive communion my emotions broke loose and I couldn't stop crying for a good 5 minutes. I felt really stupid crying during mass, but it was good for me. I used to cry really easily (like during Disney movies or while watching sappy commercials), but for the past several months it hasn't come that naturally. Anytime I do cry, I think of it as a therapeutic. :)
I guess that's all for now. I will put it on the books that I did see another rainbow - on my anniversary! Some may think I am crazy, but I am convinced Madelyn has a part in that!
