Let it out

This weekend I had the privilege to talk to 2 friends about Madelyn - thank you Jenny and Katie.  I am horrible at trying to express my feelings because I hate crying in front of other people.  Usually I just allow myself to cry in the shower and I tell myself that I'm done once I get it out.  It was refreshing to have a normal conversation and explain my feelings and how I have been doing -- even with some tears involved.  I felt so much better after both conversations.  Who needs a therapist when you have great friends?

One Thousand Gifts

I have been reading a lot lately.  Mainly books on infant death, grieving, and Heaven.  I ordered 3 books on Wednesday that I thought would have nothing to do with grieving, pain, etc.  The books that I ordered are "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, and Organized Simplicity by Tsh (no, I didn't leave out a vowel) Oxenreider.  I found these titles on the www.incourage.me website which I stumbled upon while reading Angie Smith's blog, audreycaroline.blogspot.com.  All 3 books arrived last night (a day earlier than expected!) and I decided to begin One Thousand Gifts.  On the (in)courage website, there is actually a video book club (by chapter) that you can use as you read the book.  I am 3 chapters in and I really do think it will be a life-changing book.  There is a lot of talk about death (even infant death - a topic I was hoping to avoid) in the first chapter.  It has really helped change my perspective on why things happen the way that they do and that we really do have a lot to be thankful for in the midst of some difficult situations in our lives.

You can order the book from the (in)courage website, but I found it on Amazon for a little less $$.  Here is the link to the book club for Chapter 1 of One Thousand Gifts.  **The woman on the left is Angie Smith who wrote another book that I just read "I Will Carry You".

Chapter 1 Book Club - One Thousand Gifts

Enjoy!

Medical Bills and a God Moment

I used to get upset over outrageous medical bills because they were so expensive and I just don't understand how certain things cost so much.  I do not have those feels with the care that Madelyn and I received while we were in the hospital.  Those doctors earned every penny that was billed to us (and our insurance company). 

Anyway, as I was sitting in the car opening up the mail (I don't have the patience to wait until I get inside to do this), I was crying.  Seeing Madelyn's name at the top of the E.O.B.s (explanation of benefits) and going through all 4 sheets with the charges from each of her NICU doctors made me quickly relive some moments in the hospital - some good and some bad. 
2/1/11 - when she was born and totally unaware of what was ahead of us
2/2-5/11 - numerous doctor's visits with horrible news from the nuerologist, watching her crashing and then getting put on life support, deciding we would have to take her off of life support
2/6/11 - spending our last moments with Madelyn, holding her as she got a dose of morphine to ensure she wasn't in any pain in her last moments, saying goodbye, having the doctor come into our room to confirm that there was no longer a heartbeat

I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend with Madelyn, but a lot of my memories in the hospital really hurt to think about.

As I was sitting in the car, listening to K-Love, JD Chandler got on the air and said "If you are going through pain right now and don't really know why you are experiencing so much hurt, this song is for you."  The song spoke directly to me and I have to say that God/Madelyn had something to do with it.

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

The Nursery

As positive as I'm trying to be with this, there are some things that just really suck.  We did not find out that anything could have been wrong with Madelyn until the middle of January, and we did not know what was wrong was fatal until after she was born.  That being said, we had a nursery waiting for Madelyn at home.  The crib was all set up and ready to go along with a new bassinet that I was so looking forward to using once we brought her home.  The walls were painted.  The floor was scrubbed.  New blinds were bought for the windows.  The newborn diapers were stocked, blankets and clothes were washed and ready to be used.  After being at the hospital for over a week, we came home without Madelyn and felt the sting even more when we saw her empty room.

As a way of coping, I filled her crib with everything that we had to remember Madelyn.

Madelyn's room

Madelyn's outfits

I am trying really hard to separate the things that remind me of Madelyn from my memories with Madelyn.  So, we are now in the process of taking apart the nursery.  My dad was nice enough to take care of re-painting the walls.  Jim took the crib down last night.  Putting a nursery together causes your mind to flood with excitement of what the future is going to bring and packing everything away crushes all of those thoughts.  I'm sure a lot of people that haven't experienced this loss are thinking that we will be able to fill this void with another child, but that really isn't the case.  We had hopes and dreams for what our lives would be like with another baby, a sister for Lilly, a different family dynamic.  All of those were taken away from us without much warning.

I don't know if I'm ready to stop referring to that bedroom as Madelyn's room, but it needs to happen at some point.  She lives in us, not in an empty room.

Bring the Rain

Indescribable

It's 1:20 pm.  I am still sitting at the dining room table in my pajamas, but I have accomplished some big things today.

1. I ate a healthy breakfast.
2. I re-committed myself to using sparkpeople.com to lose this baby weight, plus some more.
3. I read more of my book.
4. I ordered 3 new books from Amazon.com - One Thousand Gifts, Organized Simplicity, and Made to Crave
5. I played with Lilly.
6. I let Lilly play with 3 different colors of play-doh at the same time.  I'm normally a one-color-at-a-time kind of girl.  Luckily, she kept all of the colors separated and didn't mix them into an ugly brown.
7. I read more of Angie Smith's blog.  -- audreycaroline.blogspot.com  I just finished her book "I Will Carry You"
8. I prayed.
9. I ate vegetables at lunch.
10. I watered some plants.
11. I washed and dried our bedding.
12. I talked to my wonderful sister on the phone and opened up to her about how I've been feeling.
13. I jumped rope in the family room with Lilly.
14. I broke out my big water bottle from St. Vincent Carmel and actually drank some water.

I still feel very empty and sad, but I have been putting a lot of effort into trying to find the positives out of this situation.  So, to go back to the title of this blog post, it is an indescribable feeling because I feel very empty yet so full of something else that I can quite describe.  I feel like I'm going to have more purpose now.  I am excited to grow even if that means leaving behind old relationships and gaining new ones.  I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago.  I have changed and will continue to change.  I will let God continue to carry me where ever He pleases.

Trials

Madelyn would have been 3 weeks old today.  I went to the cemetery to visit her on my way home.   I'm not quite sure yet what I'm supposed to do or say when I go to see her, so I just stand there and look at the freshly dug up ground.  I am excited for the weather to get nicer so that grass can grow and the tree that she is buried under can provide some shade.

My sister sent me this in an email today.  It is so true.  I have heard the word "grace" so many times and I don't think it's a coincidence that we decided on that middle name for Madelyn before we knew anything was wrong. 

I miss you so much, Madelyn.

Why Do I Face Trials?

Perhaps, weary soul, the Lord is doing this to develop your graces. There are some of your graces that would never be discovered if it were not for your trials. Do you not know that your faith never looks as good in summer as it does in winter? Love is too often like a glowworm, showing but little light unless it is surrounded by darkness. Hope itself is like a star--not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity.

Afflictions are often the black foils in which God sets the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine brighter. It was only a little while ago that on your knees you were saying, "Lord, I fear I have no faith. Let me know that I have faith." Were you not really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials? For how can you know that you have faith until your faith is exercised? Depend upon it--God often sends us trials so that our graces may be discovered and that we may be convinced of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery; real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials.

God often takes away our comforts and our privileges in order to make us better Christians. He trains His soldiers not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and subjecting them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many long miles with heavy backpacks of sorrow. Well, Christian, may this not account for the troubles through which you are passing? Is the Lord bringing out your graces and making them grow? Is it for this reason He contends with you?

Trials make the promise sweet;
Trials give new life to prayer;
Trials bring me to His feet,
Lay me low, and keep me there.

Feeling Marked

There are certain places that I just don't want to go because I know people will look at me differently.  I feel like I'm on display and that people are watching what they talk about around me.

I feel like I need to switch to a different gym because the last time I went to Lifestyle, I was very pregnant.  I really don't want to explain what happened or possibly have a breakdown when I go to the gym.  For me, it is easier to just join a different gym than face reality.

I want people that I'm close with to ask me how I am, but I don't want to go into details with strangers or acquaintances.  I just feel different now.  Every time I leave the house (which isn't that often), I feel like people can tell that my baby died.

What is grief?

My mom just gave me the book "A Gathering of Angels: Seeking Healing after an Infant's Death".  Each chapter has some reflection questions for both the grieving parents and also for the friend's and family of a grieving parent.  Everything I have read so far (I'm 5 chapters in) has been spot on as far as my feelings go.  When someone asks me how I'm feeling, I am most likely going to default to "I'm ok." or "I'm fine."  I've never been one to really tell anyone how I'm actually feeling.  This may be a character flaw, but I've never really thought that people really want to know how I'm doing.

The first chapter asks each of 5 mothers who lost their babies to define grief, so I am going to do the same.

Everyone's definition is different and it probably changes from day to day.  Right now, I feel like I can't really live the way I did before.  I feel like part of me is missing.  After carrying Madelyn for 9 months I got used to her kicking and her hiccups.  I knew when she was more active and enjoyed playing music for her and talking to her.  And now, even though I feel physically more comfortable, I miss her being inside of me.  When I see her pictures around the house, I have to pinch myself because I feel like my time with her was a dream - it happened so quickly.  I didn't have enough time to memorize everything about her and that makes me sad.

I feel empty.

I don't have the energy to do a lot of things I used to do.  I can wake up in a good mood and then something sets me off and I can be totally useless the rest of the day.  While I was in the hospital I literally had problems breathing.  I was so overwhelmed and could not process what was going on.  As soon as I came home, I could breathe.

I feel alone and isolated.  Some people don't even ask about Madelyn or how I'm doing.  I'm not sure if they don't know how to act around me or if they just want to hurry me along in my grieving.  I'm never going to forget about her and she will always be my daughter.  My life is no longer "normal" and I probably won't act like my normal self for a long time.  I really don't have the energy to try either.

Can I play with Jesus, too?

Lilly, my sweet 2 1/2 year old, is helping me to keep this grieving process very raw - and that's ok.  I know she misses her sister so much, but does not have the cognitive ability to express her feelings like an adult does.  Her routine was completely thrown off when Jim and I were in the hospital for over a week.  She met Madelyn when she was in the NICU hooked up to the monitors and not looking much like the baby dolls she plays with on a daily basis.  She only saw Madelyn 3 or 4 times when she was alive and then again at Madelyn's visitation.  I've told her so many times that Madelyn isn't coming home with us and that she is in heaven with Jesus.  She asked where heaven was so I told her it was in the clouds and that Madelyn was watching us and could hear us when we talk to her.  Today she brought me a children's bible which she has never done before and asked if the person on the front was baby Jesus.  I told her that Jesus was grown up now and read her a few stories.  When we were done she asked if Madelyn was with Jesus, and I obviously answered "yes".  Her response was "Can I play with Jesus, too?".

Even though it is difficult for me to try and explain that my baby is never coming back here, it is helpful to think of it in such elementary ways sometimes.  -- Madelyn is an angel in heaven with Jesus.  She is always with us.  We will see her again when we go to heaven. --

Due Date

Today was my due date with Madelyn. 

Grieving is definitely a roller coaster ride and today I took a little dip down, but bounced back when I visited Madelyn's grave.  I was reminded that only her physical self remains here with us, and that she is in Heaven looking down on us now. 

I know that God presented us with this path in life to learn something and grow from it.  I will use this blog as a place to share my experiences and thoughts so that I can not only help myself through this process, but others as well.