Fun-filled Day

Lilly should sleep well tonight!  We went to lunch at Panera and followed that up with a trip the Children's Museum.  Lilly especially enjoyed the Dora & Diego exhibit and the carousel.

We then made a pit-stop at The Flying Cupcake (best cupcakes in Indy) since my cousin, Ryan, and his girlfriend, Katlyn were in town.

The Butler rally was going on since Butler is going to the Final Four (again!).  All of the local vendors supplied food, drinks, and had raffles going on.  Last year, Blue was there, but this bulldog was Blue's replacement this year. :)

To really make Lilly tired, we stopped by Holliday Park.  All of us ate our cupcakes while Lilly tried out the "big kid" slides.  This almost gave me a heart attack, but I got over it.  I'm slightly over-protective but I have chilled out a little bit. :)  Check out Lilly!  I can not believe how fast she is growing up!

And here is Ryan trying to go down the curly-slide!

How I Start My Day

Last night I gave my faith share to my Christ Renews His Parish team.  Initially when they told us that we shouldn't talk for more than 20 minutes, I thought to myself "Don't worry, there is no way I could say that much".  As I started typing, I realized how many twists and turns my life has taken to get me to where I am today.  Some of those were events that are nothing but happy, like meeting my wonderful husband, Jim and some of those make me feel sad, like experiencing deaths in my family, especially the unexpected ones.  I had over 6,000 words and then realized I needed to be around 3,000 to stay under the time limit.  I had to prioritize and figure out what has impacted my faith journey the most and ended up mainly addressing the last few months of my life.  I talked about how my life before Madelyn always seemed rushed and chaotic (even when I wasn't that busy), but since then, I am able to really live in the moment and enjoy life's blessings.

Personal Shopper

Last night, I stopped by Kohl's to pick up some underwear and a new purse.  Lilly turned what was supposed to be a 10 minute trip into a one that lasted much longer.  Here is a little glimpse of our shopping trip:

Girl's Weekend! :)

This weekend I was finally able to spend some quality time with Abbie one of my best friend's.  Between working, having kids, and living in the different cities, it's hard to find time to spend an entire weekend together.  It was great catching up and seeing our daughter's play together.  We also got to enjoy some guilty pleasures like a trip to Target, sushi, iced tea, and Reese's peanut butter cups.  :)  Abbie's daughter and Madelyn were only 2 months apart and we always thought they would grow up together.  However, this weekend I realized the girls will have no problem playing together in a few years.  Right now, a 4 month old and 2 1/2 year old do not share many interests, but a 2 year old and a 4 year old do!  We will just give it some time.  :)

Abbie and I at my wedding

Our kiddos :)

"A friend is someone who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope." -unknown

I am off to take a nap and then will be completing my 3rd week of the 5K training.  It has been going pretty well so far, but my shins are starting to bother me.  If that continues, I will probably take a week off from running and focus more on strength training.  Running has been a great time for self-reflection.  I love pushing myself to run a little bit further each time and I feel a great sense of accomplishment after my workout is over.  Exercise really does rejuvenate your mind and body!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Had to share...

Took this while visiting Madelyn yesterday. :)

Benefits of Blogging

When I started this blog, I just wrote and posted my entries without sharing it with anyone.  The day that I made the video of Madelyn, I decided I wanted to share it with everyone.  I missed her and wanted everyone to see what a beautiful baby she was.  I also thought it was a good depiction of our time with her on earth.  I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, so this is also a way to share my thoughts and feelings without having to say it out loud.  My mom has called me out on this several times.  She would much rather I tell her what I'm feeling and not have to read it on my blog.  Maybe someday I can get to that point! :)

Missing Madelyn

I have found that when I'm challenged by circumstances outside of my control that I start to really miss Madelyn.  I'm not sure exactly why that is.  It kind of reminds of falling down and hurting myself as a child and just wanting my parents to be there to help and comfort me.  

Lately I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions.  I may feel sad on the inside, but I can't cry.  I may be angry, but I can't show it.  I have my words, but no emotion behind them.  I still have the ability to laugh when I'm happy, so it's not as if I am "not there".  

 Coming from someone who cries in every Disney movie when bad things happen to cartoon characters...  I just wonder why this is.  Is it normal and healthy?  It's not something I am doing on purpose.  I have also noticed that I don't even get emotional anymore when about talking about what happened to Madelyn.  I've had to say it so many times that the story doesn't even affect me anymore.  Is this the same as when someone does something wrong so many times that he/she convinces himself that it's OK?  Maybe doing something so often causes the story or action to become someone's new "normal".  This may be a normal part of the grieving process.  It just doesn't make sense that when I'm telling my story to someone, he/she has tears in her eyes, but I'm talking as if it's no big deal.

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." -Psalm 32:8

Do not be afraid, I am with you

This past weekend has lit a fire in me.  I ventured out of my comfort zone and shared myself with so many strong, beautiful women.  While I can not go into details about my specific experiences, I can just say that my perspective on my life, my religion, and my relationship with God is forever changed!  I am so lucky that I was called to attend the retreat when I am just 26 years old -- I was definitely one of the youngest there.  My wonderful sister, who prayed for me to go, was a on the team putting on the retreat.  It was such a blessing to go through this with her.  Jim just attended 2 weeks ago and kept a lot of secrets from me about the experience, so I was so excited to finally be able to talk with him about it.

Retreat Weekend

This weekend I will be attending Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) at my church.  I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend where I'm hoping to strengthen my relationship with God and have some time to reflect.  I will definitely miss Lilly and Jim (and my iPhone :)).  No phones or watches are allowed!  <<Gasp>>

My sister went on the last CRHP so she will be on the team leading the retreat this weekend.  She encouraged me to go once she got back and said what a wonderful experience it was.  6 months ago I didn't feel I was ready to go on the retreat.  It just didn't feel like the right time to go.  I thought I needed to be older and have some more life experiences under my belt.  Little did I know what was to come!

The day after Madelyn's funeral, Jim went to mass (I didn't go since I thought it would make me more upset because I would think about Madelyn's funeral too much).  Anyway, he came home with the bulletin and a flier for CRHP.  With little discussion, we both decided it was a good time for both of us to go.  (He went on the Men's CRHP 2 weeks ago.)

I need to go pack my bags and head to bed!  Someone is picking me up at 6:15 tomorrow morning!  I will be back Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully I will feel rested enough to complete day 3 of the C25k program.  My shins were bothering me yesterday, so I wasn't feeling up to a run today.  Maybe 2 days "off" will be good for me.

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

Another beautiful day

This morning Lilly and I played and did some yard work outside.  I am so excited that Spring is almost here!

While Lilly was drawing with sidewalk chalk on the driveway, I looked up and saw this:

In the past, seeing rays of light coming through the clouds would make me think of Heaven, but now it makes me think of my sweet Madelyn.  She is definitely shining her light down on me.  

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's a gorgeous day in Indianapolis!  It would be difficult to be anything but happy on a day like today.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Reciting 2 simple sentences can be a real struggle sometimes...

John 3:16 Day

It's OK to be happy

I've learned it's OK to be happy.  Shortly after Madelyn passed away, I would feel guilty if I found myself enjoying anything. I would be out to eat with friends, having a good time, and then all of a sudden I would think "Why and how can I be enjoying myself?"  I almost felt like I should be forcing myself to be sad so I could keep my feelings raw.

I've discovered that I should go on with life.  Madelyn's physical self is no longer here, but I focus on the fact that she is with me in spirit and try to make the most of each day.  I find myself talking to her a lot.  Some may call me crazy, but luckily my faith enables me to know that she is still by my side.

Thankful

I completed my first day of the C25K (Couch to 5K) training today.  I wasn't really looking forward to it because 1. I hate to run and 2. It was cold and windy.  I sucked it up, said a little prayer for God to help me get through it without quitting, and started my warm-up.  I downloaded the C25K app for my iPhone which came in handy.  You can easily make a playlist within the app to listen to while you train.  Day 1 included alternating 60 seconds of running (9x) and 90 seconds of walking (8x) with a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down.  When the nice man in the app told me to run, I probably rolled my eyes and started.  To my surprise, I actually enjoyed running today.  No joke.  Normally after 4-5 steps, I'm ready to quit.  I immediately thanked my little guardian angel and went on my way.  :)  I even ran and walked a little extra after my session was over.  I'm not anticipating each session to go this well, but am very thankful that day 1 was enjoyable.

"Visiting" Madelyn

Today I was out driving and was in close proximity to Our Lady of Peace, so decided I would stop by to spend some time with Madelyn.  As I wiped mud off of her temporary grave marker with baby wipes, I began to get a little mad.  I know that this was God's will, but the reality of it all really sucks.  I shouldn't be excited that they put more dirt on top of Madelyn's grave because now it won't look so sunken in.  It bothers me that there isn't grass on top of the spot where she is buried.  I want Spring to come so the tree that shades her will have green leaves and pretty flowers.  I'm worried about the appearance of where she is because I can't physically take care of her anymore.  This is all I have left...

Lilly goes to the Dentist

Yesterday while I was on the phone, Lilly came up to me saying "my tooth, my tooth, my tooth".  I had her open her mouth and took what looked like a piece of a tooth out of her mouth.  I thought that she had chipped a tooth, so I called the pediatric dentist's office -- the same place that I went to when I was little (except in a new office :)).  After I made the appointment, I read on their website to put a tooth in milk or water to preserve it before you see the dentist.  I put the piece in a Ziploc with water and when I went to look at it an hour later, it had dissolved.  Oops - it must not have been a tooth!

Keeping Madelyn's Memory Alive

When Madelyn passed away, I decided I needed to do things in her honor.  We set up a memorial fund at our parish.  We will meet with someone at the church to see what the needs of the parish are before we decide what to do with that money.

A lot of generous friends and family also sent us money to use for whatever we needed.  Although it would be great to use that for medical bills, funeral costs, or a new roof, we will be putting all of that money into her fund as well.  We will also be purchasing a gift for the NICU at St. Vincent Carmel.  In just 5 days, the nurses and doctors became family to us and we want to thank them with something that will be of use in the NICU.  I am really excited about our idea! :)

Parents' Decision

Catholic Vote article

I just read this article.  The article hit close to home because this is exactly what made Madelyn's situation a life/death one.  Because her brain was so underdeveloped, she did not know how to swallow (which is why I had so much amniotic fluid a.k.a polyhydramnios).  If you don't know how to swallow, you can't handle your natural secretions and they end up building up and blocking your airway.  Madelyn was able to breathe on her own for a little over a day, but had to be "suctioned out".  Think of the little tool that you spit into at the dentist...  She was finally placed on the ventilator after she "crashed" about 6 times within an hour.  The vent plus the suctioning kept her very stable.

Madelyn Grace Video

1 month old

Our beautiful baby, Madelyn

This grieving thing is not my cup of tea.  I'm not a big fan of surprises and the fact that I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next is pretty hard.  Today has been one of those "difficult" days.  Madelyn would have been 4 weeks old today.  Lilly was not sleeping well early this morning so I brought her out to the family room so I could hold her in a comfortable chair.  I was completely "fine"<-- (that's a relative term) until the morning news came on and the news lady announced that it was 6 a.m. on March 1st.  Madelyn came into the world exactly 4 weeks ago.  Whenever I think of her birth, I think about how I was completely clueless at that point as to what was in store for me in the days to follow.  I was prepared to take a child home that could possibly have some developmental delays, not to go home empty handed and immediately start planning a funeral and finding a burial plots.