Ready to get away!

For the last week or so, I've felt pretty uninspired and just have had that "blah" like attitude.  I have just been going through the motions of life.  Lilly got sick a week ago and I followed suit a few days later.  That knocked out the possibility of working out, although I forced a run on Saturday morning, which I really shouldn't have done.  I slept through Easter mass which I was actually looking forward to going to.  I just finished my antibiotics and I hope I'm in the clear now.

I need to take better care of myself from now on.  I scheduled a massage today since my back has been bothering me off and on for months.

We leave for Florida tomorrow morning and I can not wait to get out of Indy for a week!  I don't think I've been out-of-town since Madelyn died and I need an escape from this place.  Lilly is so excited to see Mickey at Disney World and I'm hoping being there will help me turn the corner and be a happier person.

I'm off to catch up on some laundry and start the packing process!

Rainbows

I haven't seen a rainbow in years.  I can probably count on one hand how many times I have actually seen one.

Yesterday, I was still in my funk.  Jim called me on the phone and told me to look in the sky and I went outside and saw this...

Pretty cool, huh?

One of Those Days

Warning: This post might will have a more negative, sarcastic tone compared to my others.

I need to complain, rant, let-it-all-out... whatever you would like to call it.  Over these past 2 and half months, I have been trying to stay positive and be at peace with the fact that Madelyn died.  I have no control over it, right?  Right.

I got very little sleep on Sunday night because Lilly started running a fever.  She didn't feel too bad on Monday, but started feeling worse Monday night.  Yesterday was a long, almost napless day filled with a visit to the pediatrician and cleaning barf off of Lilly and out of my car.  Trying to convince a 2 year old that sleeping and drinking will help her feel better is not the easiest thing to do.  She was cranky and so was I.  Two families that we know welcomed healthy babies into their lives yesterday, too.  I am very happy for them.  It's just a reminder of what I don't have. Twice... in one day.  My feelings were not validated when I talked to Jim about it, so that made me feel like I was just be selfish - but I couldn't get the feelings to go away, so it just made me feel worse.  I got critiqued and/or snapped at for things I did or did not do over the phone and I was just ready to be done with the day by 4 p.m.  I left to go on a walk and cried a little as that is my "time with Madelyn".  When I got back I felt a little better and started digging up the dandelions that have taken over our large front yard.  They aren't just little dandelions.  They are mammoth-sized, mutant looking ones.  We dug and dug for almost an hour.  I know have a big blister on my handle from squeezing the stupid hand shovel so hard out of frustration.

Thanks Mom & Dad!

My parents surprised us by planting flowers and spreading mulch around Madelyn's temporary headstone.  It looks so much better now! :)  The tulip is leftover from my visit on Friday.

I miss you Madelyn!

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Stress is a Choice

So I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts.  Sometimes I just need to put a book down and come back to it a couple of weeks later if I'm not completely focused on what I'm reading.  I'm in the middle of Chapter 8 which talks a lot about stress and fear.

I know I can easily get caught up in day-to-day things and think that I am stressed.  This definitely happened more when I was working, as I always felt like I was either coming or going.  I was worried about meeting expectations at work and also meeting my expectations as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  It was difficult for me to find an appropriate balance between all of my obligations.  Voskamp points out that stress and fear really are the opposite of having a strong faith.

The Dance

It's strange how you can listen to a song a bazillion times and not really listen to the words.  As I was reading Lisa's blog today, I was reminded of one of my favorite Garth Brooks' songs, The Dance.  The tears that I have not experienced in the past week or so definitely worked their way out while listening to the song a couple of times.

Thank you Lisa for bringing those tears out!

You can read her blog here. Chancing the Dance


The Dance lyrics


Looking back on the memory of 
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone 
For a moment all the world was right 
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Holding you I held everything 
For a moment wasn't I a king 
But if I'd only known how the king would fall 
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Yes my life is better left to chance 
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

(Here is one of the few videos on YouTube with Garth Brooks actually singing the song.)

My First Bible Study

I finally did it.  I bought some Bible study books.   I have never done a Bible study before and was very overwhelmed trying to find an appropriate place to start.  I have heard a lot of great things about Beth Moore's studies, but settled on 3 studies put out by Women of Faith.

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The first one that I will be tackling is about discernment.  I've always wondered what it really meant when someone shared with me that God told them to do something.  I have had a couple of experiences lately where I have turned to prayer for helping me to answer some questions, and I truly believe that God steered me in the right direction.  I would explain what happened as more of a complete change of heart and mind about something that had been going on in my life -- I highly doubt that I would have changed without prayer.

So here it goes!  I'm looking forward to what I'm going to learn! :)

Spring!

I love Spring!  It's a wonderful time of transition in various parts of my life.

The obvious transitions are the weather and changes in nature.

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Spring gives me a sense of having a fresh start.  The Lenten season is happening right now and challenges me to renew and strengthen my faith in God.  I'm challenged to suppress my negative qualities and learn to be more like Christ.

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It's also time for cleaning out things that are cluttering my house!

This is exactly what I don't look like while cleaning! :)   (Source)

I'm also more motivated to live a healthy lifestyle which includes exercising more frequently and consistently and focusing on a clean, balanced diet.

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I love witnessing positive changes in myself and those around me.  NOW is a great time to work on taking charge one workout, meal, or closet at a time!

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Personal Struggles & Strange Coincidence

I have been using the website Sparkpeople.com off and on since 2006 to log the food I eat each day and to keep track of weight loss (or gain - just being honest!).  The website is completely free and I recommend it to most people that I talk to that are struggling with weight and need some accountability.  At one point I had great control of eating and exercise and successfully lost about 60 lbs after giving birth to Lilly.  It started to become a passion of mine.  I was always reading about exercise and nutrition and found it very interesting!  I would always watch the Biggest Loser and think that it was so cool when the contestants became personal trainers after the season was over.  I thought it might be something I would do too...once I got to my goal weight.  The owner of my gym called me out of the blue one day and actually offered me the job.  I started preparing for my certification exam and just a few months later, I became an ACE-certified personal trainer.  A few months later I was a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Coach.  I love motivating others because I know how much of a struggle it can be, especially when you have a significant amount of weight to lose.  I don't believe that if someone is thin than that makes them happy, but I do believe that being overweight can cause low self-esteem, depression, and the obvious health risks.  The extra weight suffocates you and acts as a wall between you and whatever goals you want to achieve.

This past week, I have been logging my food each day and making more of an effort to exercise.  I'm hoping that I can fall back in love with measuring my food and finding healthy recipes, but I'm not quite there yet. :)  I may be the only person that actually enjoyed measuring portions and planning meals, but I saw it as a game.  Right now, I see it as annoying and too much effort.  I will add that to my prayer list.  "God, please allow me to love all of the the aspects that go into losing weight!"  My main motivation to lose weight is so that I can have the best shot of a healthy pregnancy.  My doctor gave us the green flag to start trying again in June which is now only 2 months away.  So, I need to kick it into high gear, but I still have my moments where I just don't care.

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Anyway, here's the coincidence...
I was looking back at the 2 journal entries I had on Sparkpeople and the first one that I read was from February 1, 2010 which is exactly one year prior to when Madelyn was born.  I was writing about how I had just read my journal entry from December 28, 2007 and that I didn't know it yet, but I was actually pregnant at that time.  And now looking back at the entry from February 1, 2010 I was actually pregnant when I wrote that entry too (with the baby I miscarried).  And then the fact that it was on February 1st is just so strange to me.

2 months

On Friday, April 1st, Madelyn would have turned 2 months old.  I will admit, it wasn't as hard as when she would have turned 1 month old.  I definitely still found myself tearing up at random points throughout the day, but I am getting better at dealing with those moments.  From what I have read, the pain doesn't go away, you just get better at coping and managing the pain.  I was able to stop by to visit Madelyn before the rainstorm hit.  I took her some tulips that I had at my house.

My mom, Alex, Lilly, and I went to see "Hop" which was a very cute movie about the Easter bunny!  Lilly sat through the entire thing which was of great surprise to me.  I could actually enjoy myself too! :)

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This weekend was pretty laid back.  We watched the Butler game last night with some friends!  Today we finally joined a gym.  I can not wait to get back to lifting weights!  Jim and I spent quite a bit of time using the Free Motion machines which I love!!  The babysitting option is actually one that I can trust unlike the childcare at Lifestyle!  

Have a great week everyone!  The 2 month anniversary of Madelyn's death is on Wednesday!  Prayers please that the day goes smoothly!