Guardian Angel

Sorry I have not posted in a week!  I've been busy with some new things and haven't had a chance to write.

I just wanted to say that I am amazed by the impact Madelyn has had on my life as well as friends, family, and even complete strangers.

I know she is watching over me and giving me the strength and confidence to move forward with my life.  I am determined to grow from everything we have gone through this year.  Even though she is not physically with me, she is very much still a part of me.  I try to make her proud.

How lucky am I to be a mom to an angel?

I love you Madelyn and miss you everyday!  Thank you for helping me to realize how truly blessed I really am.

Praying Out Loud

One thing that I definitely do not have a gift for (at the moment, anyway) is praying out loud.  We pray before family meals at home and Jim always is the one doing the talking.  I listen closely and if there's anyone or anything I feel that was left out, I add it in at the end.  For some reason, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable and when asked to do it, my mind normally goes blank.

I discerned to be Lay Director for the next Christ Renews His Parish and my first duty last night was to pray over the ladies that will be doing a witness during the renewal weekend.  Oh my!  I almost died when I heard that I would be praying out loud -- and right now!  If they gave me a couple of minutes I could probably write down a nice, coherent prayer and read it aloud, but it was totally a deer-in-headlights situation.  I have no idea what I said and if it made any sense, but my prayer intentions for today have definitely included somehow gaining the ability to pray in front of a group.

I've been scouring the Internet looking for tips, but haven't found much more than "Pretend you are just talking to Jesus".  Well, I'm pretty sure I'd feel a little nervous if Jesus plopped down into the chair next to me for a little one-on-one conversation.

Sorry for the rambling.  I hope I can look back on this post in a few months and laugh at the fact that it used to make me feel so nervous! :)

Heat Wave

A heat wave has hit Indiana.  Woo!  I felt like I was running in Florida last night -- hot and humid!

Speaking of running, I want to report some progress.  :)

 (Source)

Although my speed isn't quite up to par with the average competitive runner, I am proud to say that I jogged 2 miles straight last night without stopping to walk.  For me, this is huge!  In just 2 months, I went from struggling to jog for a minute straight to jogging for 25 minutes.  My motivator is definitely Madelyn. Whenever I want to quit, I ask her to help me, and I manage to keep going.

I'm hoping to run the Ronald McDonald House 5K in June, so hopefully I will be able to add another 1.1 miles to distance.  I would also like to improve my speed.  Right now, I keep a slower pace to ensure that I can jog for the entire time.

 (Source)

If you are thinking of doing the C25K program and you have an iPhone, I suggest you pay the $.99 for the app.  You can create playlists within the app and listen to your favorite songs while you train.  If you pay another $.99, you can add the GPS feature which will keep track of your distance and pace.

 (Source)

This is one of my most used apps!  I love it! :)  

My plans aren't always God's plans

A big thing that I have learned this year is that my plan's do not always align with what God has planned for me.  This can be a challenging reality in some cases with the biggest example being that I was never able to bring Madelyn home from the hospital.  No mother expects that to happen, but for some reason, God has chosen some to walk down that path.  I have trusted that God has a bigger plan and am sure that I will be with Madelyn again once my time is over here on earth.

 (Source)

I have been thinking a lot lately about discernment.  My CRHP group is at that point in our planning process.  Never before have I actually prayed and really asked God to fill my heart with the knowledge of what I should be doing.  I always just thought that whatever I decided was what was supposed to happen.  However, that has led me to never go beyond my comfort zone.  I have prayed and realized that maybe I need to do more and step outside of my bubble.

By praying and being open to the Holy Spirit guiding you along your path really takes some of the stress out of life.  I used to spend a lot of time stressing about being in control, but when I surrender that control I am usually overcome with a sense of peace.  All of these years, I have been blocking God's way by only listening to my own.

I have found some prayers of discernment while perusing the Internet this morning.  Hopefully the can help you as well...

Prayer for Discernment (Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus)

God our Father,

You have a plan for each one of us,

You hold out to us a future full of hope.

Give us the wisdom of Your Spirit

So that we can see the shape of Your plan

In the gifts You have given us,

And in the circumstances of our daily lives.

Give us the freedom of Your Spirit,

To seek You with all our hearts,

And to choose Your will above all else.

We make this prayer through Chris Our Lord.  Amen.

Prayer of St. Therese of Lisieux

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle in your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Prayer for Discernment

Lord I know that You love me and that You have great plans for me.  But sometimes I am overwhelmed by the thought of my future.  Show me how to walk forward one day at a time.  As I explore the various options which lie before me, help me to listen openly to others, and to pay attention to what is in the depth of my own heart.  In this way, may I hear Your call to a way of life which will allow me to love as only I can, and allow me to serve others with the special gifts You have given me.  Amen.

Thank God for Lilly

Lilly and Madelyn are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  Lilly has really helped make this whole grieving process a lot more bearable with her (mostly) sweet personality.  She says some of the cutest things out of the blue and she always can make me laugh (except when she's not listening).  :)

Here's just a typical conversation with Lilly before bed.  And yes, I do teach her random tidbits of information like which president is on the quarter.  Listen carefully to her answer: "George Half Washington".  Close enough for me! :)

I love you, Lilly & Madelyn!  I couldn't be more blessed!  Both of you have taught me so much...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there - to those with living children and those with angel babies.

MIA

I completely forgot about my blog while I was away - sorry!

At first, I found that I was missing Madelyn more than usual because being away got me out of my routine and for some reason that made me want Madelyn here more than usual.  One of the first few days that I was in Florida was definitely one of my worst (emotionally) that I have had in awhile.  Everything hit me at once - Madelyn not being here and being frustrated with the current state that my body is in.  I often pout about how I gained weight while I was pregnant and now I'm left with all of this "baby weight" without a baby to show for it.  I need to get over it and just concentrate on being healthy.

I jogged 2 times while I was on vacation.  Both times my goal was 25 minutes of jogging without stopping.  The first attempt would have to be considered a disaster.  The first 8 minutes were great and then I hit a wall.  It was hot and humid and I was just not in the mood to really push myself.  I ended up adding in about 7 minutes of walking along with the 25 minutes of jogging.  The next day, I was determined to do better.  Jim came out with me and after about 5 minutes I told him to go ahead.  He can actually run so I didn't want to hold him back at my snail-like pace.  I ended up completing the 25 minutes and it felt great!  In a few weeks I should be able to go 30-45 minutes without a break.

We spent the last few days at Disney World.  It was so much fun watching Lilly meet Mickey and Minnie and riding all of the rides.

We return home tomorrow.  Lilly can't wait to play with her cousins! I'm looking forward to getting back to reality.  I'm definitely feeling refreshed which is exactly what I needed.