I need to complain, rant, let-it-all-out... whatever you would like to call it. Over these past 2 and half months, I have been trying to stay positive and be at peace with the fact that Madelyn died. I have no control over it, right? Right.
I got very little sleep on Sunday night because Lilly started running a fever. She didn't feel too bad on Monday, but started feeling worse Monday night. Yesterday was a long, almost napless day filled with a visit to the pediatrician and cleaning barf off of Lilly and out of my car. Trying to convince a 2 year old that sleeping and drinking will help her feel better is not the easiest thing to do. She was cranky and so was I. Two families that we know welcomed healthy babies into their lives yesterday, too. I am very happy for them. It's just a reminder of what I don't have. Twice... in one day. My feelings were not validated when I talked to Jim about it, so that made me feel like I was just be selfish - but I couldn't get the feelings to go away, so it just made me feel worse. I got critiqued and/or snapped at for things I did or did not do over the phone and I was just ready to be done with the day by 4 p.m. I left to go on a walk and cried a little as that is my "time with Madelyn". When I got back I felt a little better and started digging up the dandelions that have taken over our large front yard. They aren't just little dandelions. They are mammoth-sized, mutant looking ones. We dug and dug for almost an hour. I know have a big blister on my handle from squeezing the stupid hand shovel so hard out of frustration.
Around bedtime, strong storms started rolling into Indy. I hate storms. They freak me out and the fact that we don't have a basement makes me very anxious. Lilly wouldn't sleep in her bed so I held her on the couch for a little while before trying to move her into our bed. That lasted for awhile, but let's just say I woke up on the couch this morning with a kink in my neck. Lilly wanted juice so I went out to the kitchen to be met by 10+ ants crawling all over the wall and in our pantry. Seriously... that alone drives me up the wall. I look out the window and see 3 fat, Canadian geese staring in at me. I hate those things, too. They have an attitude and poop all over the place. We do not have a lake or pond anywhere near our house, so the fact that they have chosen to reside in our front yard makes me angry. Lilly is already whining at me and I am exhausted.
It's 9:30 a.m. and I'm not off to a very good start.
BUT...
I'm going to pull out my Bible now, and end this post with some Scripture.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12
"A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly." Proverbs 14:29
"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all he has made." Psalms 145:8-9
"Git rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32
((Deep breath))
I feel a little better now. Please say a prayer that Lilly starts feeling better today.
Love you, sis.
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