Ready to get away!

For the last week or so, I've felt pretty uninspired and just have had that "blah" like attitude.  I have just been going through the motions of life.  Lilly got sick a week ago and I followed suit a few days later.  That knocked out the possibility of working out, although I forced a run on Saturday morning, which I really shouldn't have done.  I slept through Easter mass which I was actually looking forward to going to.  I just finished my antibiotics and I hope I'm in the clear now.

I need to take better care of myself from now on.  I scheduled a massage today since my back has been bothering me off and on for months.

We leave for Florida tomorrow morning and I can not wait to get out of Indy for a week!  I don't think I've been out-of-town since Madelyn died and I need an escape from this place.  Lilly is so excited to see Mickey at Disney World and I'm hoping being there will help me turn the corner and be a happier person.

I'm off to catch up on some laundry and start the packing process!

Rainbows

I haven't seen a rainbow in years.  I can probably count on one hand how many times I have actually seen one.

Yesterday, I was still in my funk.  Jim called me on the phone and told me to look in the sky and I went outside and saw this...

Pretty cool, huh?

One of Those Days

Warning: This post might will have a more negative, sarcastic tone compared to my others.

I need to complain, rant, let-it-all-out... whatever you would like to call it.  Over these past 2 and half months, I have been trying to stay positive and be at peace with the fact that Madelyn died.  I have no control over it, right?  Right.

I got very little sleep on Sunday night because Lilly started running a fever.  She didn't feel too bad on Monday, but started feeling worse Monday night.  Yesterday was a long, almost napless day filled with a visit to the pediatrician and cleaning barf off of Lilly and out of my car.  Trying to convince a 2 year old that sleeping and drinking will help her feel better is not the easiest thing to do.  She was cranky and so was I.  Two families that we know welcomed healthy babies into their lives yesterday, too.  I am very happy for them.  It's just a reminder of what I don't have. Twice... in one day.  My feelings were not validated when I talked to Jim about it, so that made me feel like I was just be selfish - but I couldn't get the feelings to go away, so it just made me feel worse.  I got critiqued and/or snapped at for things I did or did not do over the phone and I was just ready to be done with the day by 4 p.m.  I left to go on a walk and cried a little as that is my "time with Madelyn".  When I got back I felt a little better and started digging up the dandelions that have taken over our large front yard.  They aren't just little dandelions.  They are mammoth-sized, mutant looking ones.  We dug and dug for almost an hour.  I know have a big blister on my handle from squeezing the stupid hand shovel so hard out of frustration.

Thanks Mom & Dad!

My parents surprised us by planting flowers and spreading mulch around Madelyn's temporary headstone.  It looks so much better now! :)  The tulip is leftover from my visit on Friday.

I miss you Madelyn!

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Stress is a Choice

So I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts.  Sometimes I just need to put a book down and come back to it a couple of weeks later if I'm not completely focused on what I'm reading.  I'm in the middle of Chapter 8 which talks a lot about stress and fear.

I know I can easily get caught up in day-to-day things and think that I am stressed.  This definitely happened more when I was working, as I always felt like I was either coming or going.  I was worried about meeting expectations at work and also meeting my expectations as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  It was difficult for me to find an appropriate balance between all of my obligations.  Voskamp points out that stress and fear really are the opposite of having a strong faith.

The Dance

It's strange how you can listen to a song a bazillion times and not really listen to the words.  As I was reading Lisa's blog today, I was reminded of one of my favorite Garth Brooks' songs, The Dance.  The tears that I have not experienced in the past week or so definitely worked their way out while listening to the song a couple of times.

Thank you Lisa for bringing those tears out!

You can read her blog here. Chancing the Dance


The Dance lyrics


Looking back on the memory of 
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone 
For a moment all the world was right 
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Holding you I held everything 
For a moment wasn't I a king 
But if I'd only known how the king would fall 
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Yes my life is better left to chance 
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

(Here is one of the few videos on YouTube with Garth Brooks actually singing the song.)