Heat Wave

A heat wave has hit Indiana.  Woo!  I felt like I was running in Florida last night -- hot and humid!

Speaking of running, I want to report some progress.  :)

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Although my speed isn't quite up to par with the average competitive runner, I am proud to say that I jogged 2 miles straight last night without stopping to walk.  For me, this is huge!  In just 2 months, I went from struggling to jog for a minute straight to jogging for 25 minutes.  My motivator is definitely Madelyn. Whenever I want to quit, I ask her to help me, and I manage to keep going.

I'm hoping to run the Ronald McDonald House 5K in June, so hopefully I will be able to add another 1.1 miles to distance.  I would also like to improve my speed.  Right now, I keep a slower pace to ensure that I can jog for the entire time.

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If you are thinking of doing the C25K program and you have an iPhone, I suggest you pay the $.99 for the app.  You can create playlists within the app and listen to your favorite songs while you train.  If you pay another $.99, you can add the GPS feature which will keep track of your distance and pace.

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This is one of my most used apps!  I love it! :)  

Thank God for Lilly

Lilly and Madelyn are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  Lilly has really helped make this whole grieving process a lot more bearable with her (mostly) sweet personality.  She says some of the cutest things out of the blue and she always can make me laugh (except when she's not listening).  :)

Here's just a typical conversation with Lilly before bed.  And yes, I do teach her random tidbits of information like which president is on the quarter.  Listen carefully to her answer: "George Half Washington".  Close enough for me! :)

I love you, Lilly & Madelyn!  I couldn't be more blessed!  Both of you have taught me so much...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there - to those with living children and those with angel babies.

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Stress is a Choice

So I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts.  Sometimes I just need to put a book down and come back to it a couple of weeks later if I'm not completely focused on what I'm reading.  I'm in the middle of Chapter 8 which talks a lot about stress and fear.

I know I can easily get caught up in day-to-day things and think that I am stressed.  This definitely happened more when I was working, as I always felt like I was either coming or going.  I was worried about meeting expectations at work and also meeting my expectations as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  It was difficult for me to find an appropriate balance between all of my obligations.  Voskamp points out that stress and fear really are the opposite of having a strong faith.

Personal Struggles & Strange Coincidence

I have been using the website Sparkpeople.com off and on since 2006 to log the food I eat each day and to keep track of weight loss (or gain - just being honest!).  The website is completely free and I recommend it to most people that I talk to that are struggling with weight and need some accountability.  At one point I had great control of eating and exercise and successfully lost about 60 lbs after giving birth to Lilly.  It started to become a passion of mine.  I was always reading about exercise and nutrition and found it very interesting!  I would always watch the Biggest Loser and think that it was so cool when the contestants became personal trainers after the season was over.  I thought it might be something I would do too...once I got to my goal weight.  The owner of my gym called me out of the blue one day and actually offered me the job.  I started preparing for my certification exam and just a few months later, I became an ACE-certified personal trainer.  A few months later I was a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Coach.  I love motivating others because I know how much of a struggle it can be, especially when you have a significant amount of weight to lose.  I don't believe that if someone is thin than that makes them happy, but I do believe that being overweight can cause low self-esteem, depression, and the obvious health risks.  The extra weight suffocates you and acts as a wall between you and whatever goals you want to achieve.

This past week, I have been logging my food each day and making more of an effort to exercise.  I'm hoping that I can fall back in love with measuring my food and finding healthy recipes, but I'm not quite there yet. :)  I may be the only person that actually enjoyed measuring portions and planning meals, but I saw it as a game.  Right now, I see it as annoying and too much effort.  I will add that to my prayer list.  "God, please allow me to love all of the the aspects that go into losing weight!"  My main motivation to lose weight is so that I can have the best shot of a healthy pregnancy.  My doctor gave us the green flag to start trying again in June which is now only 2 months away.  So, I need to kick it into high gear, but I still have my moments where I just don't care.

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Anyway, here's the coincidence...
I was looking back at the 2 journal entries I had on Sparkpeople and the first one that I read was from February 1, 2010 which is exactly one year prior to when Madelyn was born.  I was writing about how I had just read my journal entry from December 28, 2007 and that I didn't know it yet, but I was actually pregnant at that time.  And now looking back at the entry from February 1, 2010 I was actually pregnant when I wrote that entry too (with the baby I miscarried).  And then the fact that it was on February 1st is just so strange to me.

2 months

On Friday, April 1st, Madelyn would have turned 2 months old.  I will admit, it wasn't as hard as when she would have turned 1 month old.  I definitely still found myself tearing up at random points throughout the day, but I am getting better at dealing with those moments.  From what I have read, the pain doesn't go away, you just get better at coping and managing the pain.  I was able to stop by to visit Madelyn before the rainstorm hit.  I took her some tulips that I had at my house.

My mom, Alex, Lilly, and I went to see "Hop" which was a very cute movie about the Easter bunny!  Lilly sat through the entire thing which was of great surprise to me.  I could actually enjoy myself too! :)

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This weekend was pretty laid back.  We watched the Butler game last night with some friends!  Today we finally joined a gym.  I can not wait to get back to lifting weights!  Jim and I spent quite a bit of time using the Free Motion machines which I love!!  The babysitting option is actually one that I can trust unlike the childcare at Lifestyle!  

Have a great week everyone!  The 2 month anniversary of Madelyn's death is on Wednesday!  Prayers please that the day goes smoothly!  

Missing Madelyn

I have found that when I'm challenged by circumstances outside of my control that I start to really miss Madelyn.  I'm not sure exactly why that is.  It kind of reminds of falling down and hurting myself as a child and just wanting my parents to be there to help and comfort me.  

Lately I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions.  I may feel sad on the inside, but I can't cry.  I may be angry, but I can't show it.  I have my words, but no emotion behind them.  I still have the ability to laugh when I'm happy, so it's not as if I am "not there".  

 Coming from someone who cries in every Disney movie when bad things happen to cartoon characters...  I just wonder why this is.  Is it normal and healthy?  It's not something I am doing on purpose.  I have also noticed that I don't even get emotional anymore when about talking about what happened to Madelyn.  I've had to say it so many times that the story doesn't even affect me anymore.  Is this the same as when someone does something wrong so many times that he/she convinces himself that it's OK?  Maybe doing something so often causes the story or action to become someone's new "normal".  This may be a normal part of the grieving process.  It just doesn't make sense that when I'm telling my story to someone, he/she has tears in her eyes, but I'm talking as if it's no big deal.

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." -Psalm 32:8

One Thousand Gifts

I have been reading a lot lately.  Mainly books on infant death, grieving, and Heaven.  I ordered 3 books on Wednesday that I thought would have nothing to do with grieving, pain, etc.  The books that I ordered are "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, and Organized Simplicity by Tsh (no, I didn't leave out a vowel) Oxenreider.  I found these titles on the www.incourage.me website which I stumbled upon while reading Angie Smith's blog, audreycaroline.blogspot.com.  All 3 books arrived last night (a day earlier than expected!) and I decided to begin One Thousand Gifts.  On the (in)courage website, there is actually a video book club (by chapter) that you can use as you read the book.  I am 3 chapters in and I really do think it will be a life-changing book.  There is a lot of talk about death (even infant death - a topic I was hoping to avoid) in the first chapter.  It has really helped change my perspective on why things happen the way that they do and that we really do have a lot to be thankful for in the midst of some difficult situations in our lives.

You can order the book from the (in)courage website, but I found it on Amazon for a little less $$.  Here is the link to the book club for Chapter 1 of One Thousand Gifts.  **The woman on the left is Angie Smith who wrote another book that I just read "I Will Carry You".

Chapter 1 Book Club - One Thousand Gifts

Enjoy!