Heat Wave

A heat wave has hit Indiana.  Woo!  I felt like I was running in Florida last night -- hot and humid!

Speaking of running, I want to report some progress.  :)

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Although my speed isn't quite up to par with the average competitive runner, I am proud to say that I jogged 2 miles straight last night without stopping to walk.  For me, this is huge!  In just 2 months, I went from struggling to jog for a minute straight to jogging for 25 minutes.  My motivator is definitely Madelyn. Whenever I want to quit, I ask her to help me, and I manage to keep going.

I'm hoping to run the Ronald McDonald House 5K in June, so hopefully I will be able to add another 1.1 miles to distance.  I would also like to improve my speed.  Right now, I keep a slower pace to ensure that I can jog for the entire time.

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If you are thinking of doing the C25K program and you have an iPhone, I suggest you pay the $.99 for the app.  You can create playlists within the app and listen to your favorite songs while you train.  If you pay another $.99, you can add the GPS feature which will keep track of your distance and pace.

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This is one of my most used apps!  I love it! :)  

Thank God for Lilly

Lilly and Madelyn are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  Lilly has really helped make this whole grieving process a lot more bearable with her (mostly) sweet personality.  She says some of the cutest things out of the blue and she always can make me laugh (except when she's not listening).  :)

Here's just a typical conversation with Lilly before bed.  And yes, I do teach her random tidbits of information like which president is on the quarter.  Listen carefully to her answer: "George Half Washington".  Close enough for me! :)

I love you, Lilly & Madelyn!  I couldn't be more blessed!  Both of you have taught me so much...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there - to those with living children and those with angel babies.

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Stress is a Choice

So I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts.  Sometimes I just need to put a book down and come back to it a couple of weeks later if I'm not completely focused on what I'm reading.  I'm in the middle of Chapter 8 which talks a lot about stress and fear.

I know I can easily get caught up in day-to-day things and think that I am stressed.  This definitely happened more when I was working, as I always felt like I was either coming or going.  I was worried about meeting expectations at work and also meeting my expectations as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  It was difficult for me to find an appropriate balance between all of my obligations.  Voskamp points out that stress and fear really are the opposite of having a strong faith.

Benefits of Blogging

When I started this blog, I just wrote and posted my entries without sharing it with anyone.  The day that I made the video of Madelyn, I decided I wanted to share it with everyone.  I missed her and wanted everyone to see what a beautiful baby she was.  I also thought it was a good depiction of our time with her on earth.  I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, so this is also a way to share my thoughts and feelings without having to say it out loud.  My mom has called me out on this several times.  She would much rather I tell her what I'm feeling and not have to read it on my blog.  Maybe someday I can get to that point! :)

1 month old

Our beautiful baby, Madelyn

This grieving thing is not my cup of tea.  I'm not a big fan of surprises and the fact that I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next is pretty hard.  Today has been one of those "difficult" days.  Madelyn would have been 4 weeks old today.  Lilly was not sleeping well early this morning so I brought her out to the family room so I could hold her in a comfortable chair.  I was completely "fine"<-- (that's a relative term) until the morning news came on and the news lady announced that it was 6 a.m. on March 1st.  Madelyn came into the world exactly 4 weeks ago.  Whenever I think of her birth, I think about how I was completely clueless at that point as to what was in store for me in the days to follow.  I was prepared to take a child home that could possibly have some developmental delays, not to go home empty handed and immediately start planning a funeral and finding a burial plots.