1 month old

Our beautiful baby, Madelyn

This grieving thing is not my cup of tea.  I'm not a big fan of surprises and the fact that I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next is pretty hard.  Today has been one of those "difficult" days.  Madelyn would have been 4 weeks old today.  Lilly was not sleeping well early this morning so I brought her out to the family room so I could hold her in a comfortable chair.  I was completely "fine"<-- (that's a relative term) until the morning news came on and the news lady announced that it was 6 a.m. on March 1st.  Madelyn came into the world exactly 4 weeks ago.  Whenever I think of her birth, I think about how I was completely clueless at that point as to what was in store for me in the days to follow.  I was prepared to take a child home that could possibly have some developmental delays, not to go home empty handed and immediately start planning a funeral and finding a burial plots.  



I am thankful for the time I had with her.  I really am.  I wish that I wasn't so doped up on drugs from trying to beat a kidney infection, but maybe that was God's way of giving us more time with her.  I'm happy that my family was able to bond with her while I was spiking fevers in my hospital room down the hall.

Some days I think "This isn't as bad as I thought it would be" and I feel guilty because I feel somewhat normal.

I used to think of the 1st as the day our mortgage payment gets drafted from our bank account, and now it's going to be filled with me figuring out how old Madelyn would be on that day.

Instead of taking Madelyn to her 1 month well-baby appointment, I will be visiting her at the cemetery.

Life can change so fast.

I love you Madelyn.