It's OK to be happy

I've learned it's OK to be happy.  Shortly after Madelyn passed away, I would feel guilty if I found myself enjoying anything. I would be out to eat with friends, having a good time, and then all of a sudden I would think "Why and how can I be enjoying myself?"  I almost felt like I should be forcing myself to be sad so I could keep my feelings raw.

I've discovered that I should go on with life.  Madelyn's physical self is no longer here, but I focus on the fact that she is with me in spirit and try to make the most of each day.  I find myself talking to her a lot.  Some may call me crazy, but luckily my faith enables me to know that she is still by my side.


I can think back to when I was holding Madelyn in my hospital room minutes after she passed away.  I kept telling myself I should be sad and crying.  I looked down at her lifeless body and I knew everything was going to be OK.  I could already feel her spirit with me.  Jim took her body and walked around with her.  We were just holding a shell of Madelyn at that point, trying to get our fix of what it felt like to hold her and rock her.  We had the same feeling when we were saying our final goodbyes before her funeral.  It almost seemed silly to be saying goodbye to her body.  When I go to visit her at the cemetery, it's the same feeling.

I don't necessarily hear Madelyn talking to me, but I have been given a strength that I didn't have before she came into this world.  My faith has grown immensely in such a short time.  My priorities and goals have easily fallen into place.  Things that worried me before now seem trivial.  My opinions and views have changed.  I have changed and Madelyn has helped to reshape me into a better person.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Kenji Miyazawa

I still feel pain.  Yes, it hurts to see facebook friends announcing pregnancies and having healthy babies, but clearly that was not God's plan for me.  I would not call it jealousy, because I am so proud of my Madelyn and wouldn't trade her or our unique experience for anything.  I have to think that God wants me to learn and grow from this.  I would only be letting myself,  my family, and Him down if I wasted my days away.  I will do my best to channel that pain into something good.  I can't help but to feel inspired to be a better person and make the most of my life here.