"Visiting" Madelyn

Today I was out driving and was in close proximity to Our Lady of Peace, so decided I would stop by to spend some time with Madelyn.  As I wiped mud off of her temporary grave marker with baby wipes, I began to get a little mad.  I know that this was God's will, but the reality of it all really sucks.  I shouldn't be excited that they put more dirt on top of Madelyn's grave because now it won't look so sunken in.  It bothers me that there isn't grass on top of the spot where she is buried.  I want Spring to come so the tree that shades her will have green leaves and pretty flowers.  I'm worried about the appearance of where she is because I can't physically take care of her anymore.  This is all I have left...

The cemetery isn't the most uplifting place right now...

... it will be much nicer in the Spring and Summer, though.

Temporary marker

I feel like I have been doing a decent job of remaining as upbeat as possible, but sometimes when I stop, and really think about what has happened, I do get upset.  It's easy to fall back into the same routines that I had prior to having Madelyn.  I am probably just in auto-pilot mode most of the time and don't even realize it.  

After talking to the bereavement counselor on the phone, I have learned that 2-3 months after a baby has passed away is typically the hardest on bereaved parents.  Apparently that's when the numbness starts to wear away and reality sets in and friends/family aren't as open and willing to talk about what has happened.  Everyone is different though, so I guess we will find out as time goes on.