Guardian Angel

Sorry I have not posted in a week!  I've been busy with some new things and haven't had a chance to write.

I just wanted to say that I am amazed by the impact Madelyn has had on my life as well as friends, family, and even complete strangers.

I know she is watching over me and giving me the strength and confidence to move forward with my life.  I am determined to grow from everything we have gone through this year.  Even though she is not physically with me, she is very much still a part of me.  I try to make her proud.

How lucky am I to be a mom to an angel?

I love you Madelyn and miss you everyday!  Thank you for helping me to realize how truly blessed I really am.

Heat Wave

A heat wave has hit Indiana.  Woo!  I felt like I was running in Florida last night -- hot and humid!

Speaking of running, I want to report some progress.  :)

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Although my speed isn't quite up to par with the average competitive runner, I am proud to say that I jogged 2 miles straight last night without stopping to walk.  For me, this is huge!  In just 2 months, I went from struggling to jog for a minute straight to jogging for 25 minutes.  My motivator is definitely Madelyn. Whenever I want to quit, I ask her to help me, and I manage to keep going.

I'm hoping to run the Ronald McDonald House 5K in June, so hopefully I will be able to add another 1.1 miles to distance.  I would also like to improve my speed.  Right now, I keep a slower pace to ensure that I can jog for the entire time.

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If you are thinking of doing the C25K program and you have an iPhone, I suggest you pay the $.99 for the app.  You can create playlists within the app and listen to your favorite songs while you train.  If you pay another $.99, you can add the GPS feature which will keep track of your distance and pace.

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This is one of my most used apps!  I love it! :)  

Thank God for Lilly

Lilly and Madelyn are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  Lilly has really helped make this whole grieving process a lot more bearable with her (mostly) sweet personality.  She says some of the cutest things out of the blue and she always can make me laugh (except when she's not listening).  :)

Here's just a typical conversation with Lilly before bed.  And yes, I do teach her random tidbits of information like which president is on the quarter.  Listen carefully to her answer: "George Half Washington".  Close enough for me! :)

I love you, Lilly & Madelyn!  I couldn't be more blessed!  Both of you have taught me so much...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there - to those with living children and those with angel babies.

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Spring!

I love Spring!  It's a wonderful time of transition in various parts of my life.

The obvious transitions are the weather and changes in nature.

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Spring gives me a sense of having a fresh start.  The Lenten season is happening right now and challenges me to renew and strengthen my faith in God.  I'm challenged to suppress my negative qualities and learn to be more like Christ.

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It's also time for cleaning out things that are cluttering my house!

This is exactly what I don't look like while cleaning! :)   (Source)

I'm also more motivated to live a healthy lifestyle which includes exercising more frequently and consistently and focusing on a clean, balanced diet.

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I love witnessing positive changes in myself and those around me.  NOW is a great time to work on taking charge one workout, meal, or closet at a time!

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Personal Struggles & Strange Coincidence

I have been using the website Sparkpeople.com off and on since 2006 to log the food I eat each day and to keep track of weight loss (or gain - just being honest!).  The website is completely free and I recommend it to most people that I talk to that are struggling with weight and need some accountability.  At one point I had great control of eating and exercise and successfully lost about 60 lbs after giving birth to Lilly.  It started to become a passion of mine.  I was always reading about exercise and nutrition and found it very interesting!  I would always watch the Biggest Loser and think that it was so cool when the contestants became personal trainers after the season was over.  I thought it might be something I would do too...once I got to my goal weight.  The owner of my gym called me out of the blue one day and actually offered me the job.  I started preparing for my certification exam and just a few months later, I became an ACE-certified personal trainer.  A few months later I was a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Coach.  I love motivating others because I know how much of a struggle it can be, especially when you have a significant amount of weight to lose.  I don't believe that if someone is thin than that makes them happy, but I do believe that being overweight can cause low self-esteem, depression, and the obvious health risks.  The extra weight suffocates you and acts as a wall between you and whatever goals you want to achieve.

This past week, I have been logging my food each day and making more of an effort to exercise.  I'm hoping that I can fall back in love with measuring my food and finding healthy recipes, but I'm not quite there yet. :)  I may be the only person that actually enjoyed measuring portions and planning meals, but I saw it as a game.  Right now, I see it as annoying and too much effort.  I will add that to my prayer list.  "God, please allow me to love all of the the aspects that go into losing weight!"  My main motivation to lose weight is so that I can have the best shot of a healthy pregnancy.  My doctor gave us the green flag to start trying again in June which is now only 2 months away.  So, I need to kick it into high gear, but I still have my moments where I just don't care.

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Anyway, here's the coincidence...
I was looking back at the 2 journal entries I had on Sparkpeople and the first one that I read was from February 1, 2010 which is exactly one year prior to when Madelyn was born.  I was writing about how I had just read my journal entry from December 28, 2007 and that I didn't know it yet, but I was actually pregnant at that time.  And now looking back at the entry from February 1, 2010 I was actually pregnant when I wrote that entry too (with the baby I miscarried).  And then the fact that it was on February 1st is just so strange to me.

2 months

On Friday, April 1st, Madelyn would have turned 2 months old.  I will admit, it wasn't as hard as when she would have turned 1 month old.  I definitely still found myself tearing up at random points throughout the day, but I am getting better at dealing with those moments.  From what I have read, the pain doesn't go away, you just get better at coping and managing the pain.  I was able to stop by to visit Madelyn before the rainstorm hit.  I took her some tulips that I had at my house.

My mom, Alex, Lilly, and I went to see "Hop" which was a very cute movie about the Easter bunny!  Lilly sat through the entire thing which was of great surprise to me.  I could actually enjoy myself too! :)

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This weekend was pretty laid back.  We watched the Butler game last night with some friends!  Today we finally joined a gym.  I can not wait to get back to lifting weights!  Jim and I spent quite a bit of time using the Free Motion machines which I love!!  The babysitting option is actually one that I can trust unlike the childcare at Lifestyle!  

Have a great week everyone!  The 2 month anniversary of Madelyn's death is on Wednesday!  Prayers please that the day goes smoothly!  

The Nursery

As positive as I'm trying to be with this, there are some things that just really suck.  We did not find out that anything could have been wrong with Madelyn until the middle of January, and we did not know what was wrong was fatal until after she was born.  That being said, we had a nursery waiting for Madelyn at home.  The crib was all set up and ready to go along with a new bassinet that I was so looking forward to using once we brought her home.  The walls were painted.  The floor was scrubbed.  New blinds were bought for the windows.  The newborn diapers were stocked, blankets and clothes were washed and ready to be used.  After being at the hospital for over a week, we came home without Madelyn and felt the sting even more when we saw her empty room.

As a way of coping, I filled her crib with everything that we had to remember Madelyn.

Madelyn's room

Madelyn's outfits

I am trying really hard to separate the things that remind me of Madelyn from my memories with Madelyn.  So, we are now in the process of taking apart the nursery.  My dad was nice enough to take care of re-painting the walls.  Jim took the crib down last night.  Putting a nursery together causes your mind to flood with excitement of what the future is going to bring and packing everything away crushes all of those thoughts.  I'm sure a lot of people that haven't experienced this loss are thinking that we will be able to fill this void with another child, but that really isn't the case.  We had hopes and dreams for what our lives would be like with another baby, a sister for Lilly, a different family dynamic.  All of those were taken away from us without much warning.

I don't know if I'm ready to stop referring to that bedroom as Madelyn's room, but it needs to happen at some point.  She lives in us, not in an empty room.

Feeling Marked

There are certain places that I just don't want to go because I know people will look at me differently.  I feel like I'm on display and that people are watching what they talk about around me.

I feel like I need to switch to a different gym because the last time I went to Lifestyle, I was very pregnant.  I really don't want to explain what happened or possibly have a breakdown when I go to the gym.  For me, it is easier to just join a different gym than face reality.

I want people that I'm close with to ask me how I am, but I don't want to go into details with strangers or acquaintances.  I just feel different now.  Every time I leave the house (which isn't that often), I feel like people can tell that my baby died.

What is grief?

My mom just gave me the book "A Gathering of Angels: Seeking Healing after an Infant's Death".  Each chapter has some reflection questions for both the grieving parents and also for the friend's and family of a grieving parent.  Everything I have read so far (I'm 5 chapters in) has been spot on as far as my feelings go.  When someone asks me how I'm feeling, I am most likely going to default to "I'm ok." or "I'm fine."  I've never been one to really tell anyone how I'm actually feeling.  This may be a character flaw, but I've never really thought that people really want to know how I'm doing.

The first chapter asks each of 5 mothers who lost their babies to define grief, so I am going to do the same.

Everyone's definition is different and it probably changes from day to day.  Right now, I feel like I can't really live the way I did before.  I feel like part of me is missing.  After carrying Madelyn for 9 months I got used to her kicking and her hiccups.  I knew when she was more active and enjoyed playing music for her and talking to her.  And now, even though I feel physically more comfortable, I miss her being inside of me.  When I see her pictures around the house, I have to pinch myself because I feel like my time with her was a dream - it happened so quickly.  I didn't have enough time to memorize everything about her and that makes me sad.

I feel empty.

I don't have the energy to do a lot of things I used to do.  I can wake up in a good mood and then something sets me off and I can be totally useless the rest of the day.  While I was in the hospital I literally had problems breathing.  I was so overwhelmed and could not process what was going on.  As soon as I came home, I could breathe.

I feel alone and isolated.  Some people don't even ask about Madelyn or how I'm doing.  I'm not sure if they don't know how to act around me or if they just want to hurry me along in my grieving.  I'm never going to forget about her and she will always be my daughter.  My life is no longer "normal" and I probably won't act like my normal self for a long time.  I really don't have the energy to try either.