The Nursery

As positive as I'm trying to be with this, there are some things that just really suck.  We did not find out that anything could have been wrong with Madelyn until the middle of January, and we did not know what was wrong was fatal until after she was born.  That being said, we had a nursery waiting for Madelyn at home.  The crib was all set up and ready to go along with a new bassinet that I was so looking forward to using once we brought her home.  The walls were painted.  The floor was scrubbed.  New blinds were bought for the windows.  The newborn diapers were stocked, blankets and clothes were washed and ready to be used.  After being at the hospital for over a week, we came home without Madelyn and felt the sting even more when we saw her empty room.

As a way of coping, I filled her crib with everything that we had to remember Madelyn.

Madelyn's room

Madelyn's outfits

I am trying really hard to separate the things that remind me of Madelyn from my memories with Madelyn.  So, we are now in the process of taking apart the nursery.  My dad was nice enough to take care of re-painting the walls.  Jim took the crib down last night.  Putting a nursery together causes your mind to flood with excitement of what the future is going to bring and packing everything away crushes all of those thoughts.  I'm sure a lot of people that haven't experienced this loss are thinking that we will be able to fill this void with another child, but that really isn't the case.  We had hopes and dreams for what our lives would be like with another baby, a sister for Lilly, a different family dynamic.  All of those were taken away from us without much warning.

I don't know if I'm ready to stop referring to that bedroom as Madelyn's room, but it needs to happen at some point.  She lives in us, not in an empty room.