What is grief?

My mom just gave me the book "A Gathering of Angels: Seeking Healing after an Infant's Death".  Each chapter has some reflection questions for both the grieving parents and also for the friend's and family of a grieving parent.  Everything I have read so far (I'm 5 chapters in) has been spot on as far as my feelings go.  When someone asks me how I'm feeling, I am most likely going to default to "I'm ok." or "I'm fine."  I've never been one to really tell anyone how I'm actually feeling.  This may be a character flaw, but I've never really thought that people really want to know how I'm doing.

The first chapter asks each of 5 mothers who lost their babies to define grief, so I am going to do the same.

Everyone's definition is different and it probably changes from day to day.  Right now, I feel like I can't really live the way I did before.  I feel like part of me is missing.  After carrying Madelyn for 9 months I got used to her kicking and her hiccups.  I knew when she was more active and enjoyed playing music for her and talking to her.  And now, even though I feel physically more comfortable, I miss her being inside of me.  When I see her pictures around the house, I have to pinch myself because I feel like my time with her was a dream - it happened so quickly.  I didn't have enough time to memorize everything about her and that makes me sad.

I feel empty.

I don't have the energy to do a lot of things I used to do.  I can wake up in a good mood and then something sets me off and I can be totally useless the rest of the day.  While I was in the hospital I literally had problems breathing.  I was so overwhelmed and could not process what was going on.  As soon as I came home, I could breathe.

I feel alone and isolated.  Some people don't even ask about Madelyn or how I'm doing.  I'm not sure if they don't know how to act around me or if they just want to hurry me along in my grieving.  I'm never going to forget about her and she will always be my daughter.  My life is no longer "normal" and I probably won't act like my normal self for a long time.  I really don't have the energy to try either.