I'm back...

I feel so bad that I haven't written anything since my birthday in June.  This morning I am feeling called write since I want to remember some of the things that I heard last night at the All Saints Day mass. 

Yesterday was a big day for me.  By the time I went to bed I felt exhausted and just mentally and emotionally drained.  I finally made the decision to let go of a something that has been consuming my thoughts for some time and turn it over to God.  I realized that I do not have the power to change things and that He is, once again, in control of this situation, too.  Yesterday also marked what would have been Madelyn's 9 month birthday if she were still here.  I also entered the last week of my 2nd trimester with baby Catherine.  There were exciting things happening and then things that made me sad so they were kind of canceling each other out throughout the day until I got to mass.

I hadn't heard Monsignor give mass since Madelyn's funeral so just hearing his voice brought back memories of that day.  When Madelyn died, he told us that she was considered a saint.  Last night he spoke about how all of the saints up in heaven are like fans at a football game, always there to cheer us on and they are constantly praying for us.  I needed to hear those words so bad.  I always just think that those of us on earth are the only ones praying, but indeed, it is a 2-way street.  We are still connected.  They aren't just with us one day of the year, but every single day they are by our side.  I was very aware of that in the immediate months after Madelyn's death.  That feeling had faded, but I think it's back now. I'm not quite sure what did it but after I went up to receive communion my emotions broke loose and I couldn't stop crying for a good 5 minutes.  I felt really stupid crying during mass, but it was good for me.  I used to cry really easily (like during Disney movies or while watching sappy commercials), but for the past several months it hasn't come that naturally.  Anytime I do cry, I think of it as a therapeutic. :)

I guess that's all for now.  I will put it on the books that I did see another rainbow - on my anniversary!  Some may think I am crazy, but I am convinced Madelyn has a part in that!

My Favorite Birthday Present!

While I loved all of the gifts that I received from my family today, the best one came from sweet, Madelyn....

I went to "visit" Madelyn at the cemetery yesterday and I asked her to send me some sort of sign for my birthday.  I've always been one to put out "a sign" because I do think certain things are shown to us for a reason. 

After a nice dinner at Kincaid's Steakhouse tonight with Jim, I was wanting to finish things off the classy way....with some Sour Patch Kids.  We stopped at a CVS to pick some up and when I got out of the car I looked up and saw a rainbow!  Of course I had to tell someone else besides Jim about it, so I called my parents.  After texting the picture to my dad, he let me know that he had just checked the radar for Indianapolis and there was no rain anywhere near us.  Very cool.

Not the best picture even since it was taken with my iPhone :)

Thank you, Madelyn!  I love you and miss you more than you will ever know!

Two Boxes

I shared this with my CRHP group tonight.  Sometimes the simplest stories mean the most.  I hope you enjoy!

I have in my hands two boxes

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box

And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes

Both my joys and sorrows I stored.

But though the gold became heavier each day

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity I opened the black

I wanted to find out why.

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused

"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile and said

"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God why He gave me the boxes

Why the gold, and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count  your blessings

The black is for you to let go."

--Author Unknown--

As challenging as it may be, Let Go, and Let God!  He has a plan for you...

Guardian Angel

Sorry I have not posted in a week!  I've been busy with some new things and haven't had a chance to write.

I just wanted to say that I am amazed by the impact Madelyn has had on my life as well as friends, family, and even complete strangers.

I know she is watching over me and giving me the strength and confidence to move forward with my life.  I am determined to grow from everything we have gone through this year.  Even though she is not physically with me, she is very much still a part of me.  I try to make her proud.

How lucky am I to be a mom to an angel?

I love you Madelyn and miss you everyday!  Thank you for helping me to realize how truly blessed I really am.

Praying Out Loud

One thing that I definitely do not have a gift for (at the moment, anyway) is praying out loud.  We pray before family meals at home and Jim always is the one doing the talking.  I listen closely and if there's anyone or anything I feel that was left out, I add it in at the end.  For some reason, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable and when asked to do it, my mind normally goes blank.

I discerned to be Lay Director for the next Christ Renews His Parish and my first duty last night was to pray over the ladies that will be doing a witness during the renewal weekend.  Oh my!  I almost died when I heard that I would be praying out loud -- and right now!  If they gave me a couple of minutes I could probably write down a nice, coherent prayer and read it aloud, but it was totally a deer-in-headlights situation.  I have no idea what I said and if it made any sense, but my prayer intentions for today have definitely included somehow gaining the ability to pray in front of a group.

I've been scouring the Internet looking for tips, but haven't found much more than "Pretend you are just talking to Jesus".  Well, I'm pretty sure I'd feel a little nervous if Jesus plopped down into the chair next to me for a little one-on-one conversation.

Sorry for the rambling.  I hope I can look back on this post in a few months and laugh at the fact that it used to make me feel so nervous! :)

Heat Wave

A heat wave has hit Indiana.  Woo!  I felt like I was running in Florida last night -- hot and humid!

Speaking of running, I want to report some progress.  :)

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Although my speed isn't quite up to par with the average competitive runner, I am proud to say that I jogged 2 miles straight last night without stopping to walk.  For me, this is huge!  In just 2 months, I went from struggling to jog for a minute straight to jogging for 25 minutes.  My motivator is definitely Madelyn. Whenever I want to quit, I ask her to help me, and I manage to keep going.

I'm hoping to run the Ronald McDonald House 5K in June, so hopefully I will be able to add another 1.1 miles to distance.  I would also like to improve my speed.  Right now, I keep a slower pace to ensure that I can jog for the entire time.

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If you are thinking of doing the C25K program and you have an iPhone, I suggest you pay the $.99 for the app.  You can create playlists within the app and listen to your favorite songs while you train.  If you pay another $.99, you can add the GPS feature which will keep track of your distance and pace.

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This is one of my most used apps!  I love it! :)  

My plans aren't always God's plans

A big thing that I have learned this year is that my plan's do not always align with what God has planned for me.  This can be a challenging reality in some cases with the biggest example being that I was never able to bring Madelyn home from the hospital.  No mother expects that to happen, but for some reason, God has chosen some to walk down that path.  I have trusted that God has a bigger plan and am sure that I will be with Madelyn again once my time is over here on earth.

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I have been thinking a lot lately about discernment.  My CRHP group is at that point in our planning process.  Never before have I actually prayed and really asked God to fill my heart with the knowledge of what I should be doing.  I always just thought that whatever I decided was what was supposed to happen.  However, that has led me to never go beyond my comfort zone.  I have prayed and realized that maybe I need to do more and step outside of my bubble.

By praying and being open to the Holy Spirit guiding you along your path really takes some of the stress out of life.  I used to spend a lot of time stressing about being in control, but when I surrender that control I am usually overcome with a sense of peace.  All of these years, I have been blocking God's way by only listening to my own.

I have found some prayers of discernment while perusing the Internet this morning.  Hopefully the can help you as well...

Prayer for Discernment (Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus)

God our Father,

You have a plan for each one of us,

You hold out to us a future full of hope.

Give us the wisdom of Your Spirit

So that we can see the shape of Your plan

In the gifts You have given us,

And in the circumstances of our daily lives.

Give us the freedom of Your Spirit,

To seek You with all our hearts,

And to choose Your will above all else.

We make this prayer through Chris Our Lord.  Amen.

Prayer of St. Therese of Lisieux

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle in your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Prayer for Discernment

Lord I know that You love me and that You have great plans for me.  But sometimes I am overwhelmed by the thought of my future.  Show me how to walk forward one day at a time.  As I explore the various options which lie before me, help me to listen openly to others, and to pay attention to what is in the depth of my own heart.  In this way, may I hear Your call to a way of life which will allow me to love as only I can, and allow me to serve others with the special gifts You have given me.  Amen.

Thank God for Lilly

Lilly and Madelyn are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  Lilly has really helped make this whole grieving process a lot more bearable with her (mostly) sweet personality.  She says some of the cutest things out of the blue and she always can make me laugh (except when she's not listening).  :)

Here's just a typical conversation with Lilly before bed.  And yes, I do teach her random tidbits of information like which president is on the quarter.  Listen carefully to her answer: "George Half Washington".  Close enough for me! :)

I love you, Lilly & Madelyn!  I couldn't be more blessed!  Both of you have taught me so much...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there - to those with living children and those with angel babies.

MIA

I completely forgot about my blog while I was away - sorry!

At first, I found that I was missing Madelyn more than usual because being away got me out of my routine and for some reason that made me want Madelyn here more than usual.  One of the first few days that I was in Florida was definitely one of my worst (emotionally) that I have had in awhile.  Everything hit me at once - Madelyn not being here and being frustrated with the current state that my body is in.  I often pout about how I gained weight while I was pregnant and now I'm left with all of this "baby weight" without a baby to show for it.  I need to get over it and just concentrate on being healthy.

I jogged 2 times while I was on vacation.  Both times my goal was 25 minutes of jogging without stopping.  The first attempt would have to be considered a disaster.  The first 8 minutes were great and then I hit a wall.  It was hot and humid and I was just not in the mood to really push myself.  I ended up adding in about 7 minutes of walking along with the 25 minutes of jogging.  The next day, I was determined to do better.  Jim came out with me and after about 5 minutes I told him to go ahead.  He can actually run so I didn't want to hold him back at my snail-like pace.  I ended up completing the 25 minutes and it felt great!  In a few weeks I should be able to go 30-45 minutes without a break.

We spent the last few days at Disney World.  It was so much fun watching Lilly meet Mickey and Minnie and riding all of the rides.

We return home tomorrow.  Lilly can't wait to play with her cousins! I'm looking forward to getting back to reality.  I'm definitely feeling refreshed which is exactly what I needed.

Ready to get away!

For the last week or so, I've felt pretty uninspired and just have had that "blah" like attitude.  I have just been going through the motions of life.  Lilly got sick a week ago and I followed suit a few days later.  That knocked out the possibility of working out, although I forced a run on Saturday morning, which I really shouldn't have done.  I slept through Easter mass which I was actually looking forward to going to.  I just finished my antibiotics and I hope I'm in the clear now.

I need to take better care of myself from now on.  I scheduled a massage today since my back has been bothering me off and on for months.

We leave for Florida tomorrow morning and I can not wait to get out of Indy for a week!  I don't think I've been out-of-town since Madelyn died and I need an escape from this place.  Lilly is so excited to see Mickey at Disney World and I'm hoping being there will help me turn the corner and be a happier person.

I'm off to catch up on some laundry and start the packing process!

Rainbows

I haven't seen a rainbow in years.  I can probably count on one hand how many times I have actually seen one.

Yesterday, I was still in my funk.  Jim called me on the phone and told me to look in the sky and I went outside and saw this...

Pretty cool, huh?

One of Those Days

Warning: This post might will have a more negative, sarcastic tone compared to my others.

I need to complain, rant, let-it-all-out... whatever you would like to call it.  Over these past 2 and half months, I have been trying to stay positive and be at peace with the fact that Madelyn died.  I have no control over it, right?  Right.

I got very little sleep on Sunday night because Lilly started running a fever.  She didn't feel too bad on Monday, but started feeling worse Monday night.  Yesterday was a long, almost napless day filled with a visit to the pediatrician and cleaning barf off of Lilly and out of my car.  Trying to convince a 2 year old that sleeping and drinking will help her feel better is not the easiest thing to do.  She was cranky and so was I.  Two families that we know welcomed healthy babies into their lives yesterday, too.  I am very happy for them.  It's just a reminder of what I don't have. Twice... in one day.  My feelings were not validated when I talked to Jim about it, so that made me feel like I was just be selfish - but I couldn't get the feelings to go away, so it just made me feel worse.  I got critiqued and/or snapped at for things I did or did not do over the phone and I was just ready to be done with the day by 4 p.m.  I left to go on a walk and cried a little as that is my "time with Madelyn".  When I got back I felt a little better and started digging up the dandelions that have taken over our large front yard.  They aren't just little dandelions.  They are mammoth-sized, mutant looking ones.  We dug and dug for almost an hour.  I know have a big blister on my handle from squeezing the stupid hand shovel so hard out of frustration.

Thanks Mom & Dad!

My parents surprised us by planting flowers and spreading mulch around Madelyn's temporary headstone.  It looks so much better now! :)  The tulip is leftover from my visit on Friday.

I miss you Madelyn!

Strong Enough

I've heard numerous times lately how strong I am.  As I take that as a compliment, I'm sure people mean different things by it.  Some probably say that I am strong when they think that they couldn't handle losing a child.  Maybe they wouldn't be able to hold it together as well as I have?  Some may say that I'm strong meaning that I'm strong in my faith in God.  Others may say I'm strong because I'm not glued to the couch sitting in my pajamas all day, every day (this is the reality some days).

I had the choice to let myself get swallowed up in the loss of Madelyn or to keep a hopeful mind and spirit. I am still a happy person with blips of sadness every day.  I am not jealous of those around me that have babies similar in age to what Madelyn would have been.  Seeing pictures of other babies makes me sad that I couldn't watch Madelyn grow like the parents of the children who are still alive can.

Stress is a Choice

So I'm still reading One Thousand Gifts.  Sometimes I just need to put a book down and come back to it a couple of weeks later if I'm not completely focused on what I'm reading.  I'm in the middle of Chapter 8 which talks a lot about stress and fear.

I know I can easily get caught up in day-to-day things and think that I am stressed.  This definitely happened more when I was working, as I always felt like I was either coming or going.  I was worried about meeting expectations at work and also meeting my expectations as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  It was difficult for me to find an appropriate balance between all of my obligations.  Voskamp points out that stress and fear really are the opposite of having a strong faith.

The Dance

It's strange how you can listen to a song a bazillion times and not really listen to the words.  As I was reading Lisa's blog today, I was reminded of one of my favorite Garth Brooks' songs, The Dance.  The tears that I have not experienced in the past week or so definitely worked their way out while listening to the song a couple of times.

Thank you Lisa for bringing those tears out!

You can read her blog here. Chancing the Dance


The Dance lyrics


Looking back on the memory of 
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone 
For a moment all the world was right 
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Holding you I held everything 
For a moment wasn't I a king 
But if I'd only known how the king would fall 
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I'd have had to miss the dance 

Yes my life is better left to chance 
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

(Here is one of the few videos on YouTube with Garth Brooks actually singing the song.)

My First Bible Study

I finally did it.  I bought some Bible study books.   I have never done a Bible study before and was very overwhelmed trying to find an appropriate place to start.  I have heard a lot of great things about Beth Moore's studies, but settled on 3 studies put out by Women of Faith.

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The first one that I will be tackling is about discernment.  I've always wondered what it really meant when someone shared with me that God told them to do something.  I have had a couple of experiences lately where I have turned to prayer for helping me to answer some questions, and I truly believe that God steered me in the right direction.  I would explain what happened as more of a complete change of heart and mind about something that had been going on in my life -- I highly doubt that I would have changed without prayer.

So here it goes!  I'm looking forward to what I'm going to learn! :)

Spring!

I love Spring!  It's a wonderful time of transition in various parts of my life.

The obvious transitions are the weather and changes in nature.

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Spring gives me a sense of having a fresh start.  The Lenten season is happening right now and challenges me to renew and strengthen my faith in God.  I'm challenged to suppress my negative qualities and learn to be more like Christ.

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It's also time for cleaning out things that are cluttering my house!

This is exactly what I don't look like while cleaning! :)   (Source)

I'm also more motivated to live a healthy lifestyle which includes exercising more frequently and consistently and focusing on a clean, balanced diet.

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I love witnessing positive changes in myself and those around me.  NOW is a great time to work on taking charge one workout, meal, or closet at a time!

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Personal Struggles & Strange Coincidence

I have been using the website Sparkpeople.com off and on since 2006 to log the food I eat each day and to keep track of weight loss (or gain - just being honest!).  The website is completely free and I recommend it to most people that I talk to that are struggling with weight and need some accountability.  At one point I had great control of eating and exercise and successfully lost about 60 lbs after giving birth to Lilly.  It started to become a passion of mine.  I was always reading about exercise and nutrition and found it very interesting!  I would always watch the Biggest Loser and think that it was so cool when the contestants became personal trainers after the season was over.  I thought it might be something I would do too...once I got to my goal weight.  The owner of my gym called me out of the blue one day and actually offered me the job.  I started preparing for my certification exam and just a few months later, I became an ACE-certified personal trainer.  A few months later I was a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Coach.  I love motivating others because I know how much of a struggle it can be, especially when you have a significant amount of weight to lose.  I don't believe that if someone is thin than that makes them happy, but I do believe that being overweight can cause low self-esteem, depression, and the obvious health risks.  The extra weight suffocates you and acts as a wall between you and whatever goals you want to achieve.

This past week, I have been logging my food each day and making more of an effort to exercise.  I'm hoping that I can fall back in love with measuring my food and finding healthy recipes, but I'm not quite there yet. :)  I may be the only person that actually enjoyed measuring portions and planning meals, but I saw it as a game.  Right now, I see it as annoying and too much effort.  I will add that to my prayer list.  "God, please allow me to love all of the the aspects that go into losing weight!"  My main motivation to lose weight is so that I can have the best shot of a healthy pregnancy.  My doctor gave us the green flag to start trying again in June which is now only 2 months away.  So, I need to kick it into high gear, but I still have my moments where I just don't care.

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Anyway, here's the coincidence...
I was looking back at the 2 journal entries I had on Sparkpeople and the first one that I read was from February 1, 2010 which is exactly one year prior to when Madelyn was born.  I was writing about how I had just read my journal entry from December 28, 2007 and that I didn't know it yet, but I was actually pregnant at that time.  And now looking back at the entry from February 1, 2010 I was actually pregnant when I wrote that entry too (with the baby I miscarried).  And then the fact that it was on February 1st is just so strange to me.

2 months

On Friday, April 1st, Madelyn would have turned 2 months old.  I will admit, it wasn't as hard as when she would have turned 1 month old.  I definitely still found myself tearing up at random points throughout the day, but I am getting better at dealing with those moments.  From what I have read, the pain doesn't go away, you just get better at coping and managing the pain.  I was able to stop by to visit Madelyn before the rainstorm hit.  I took her some tulips that I had at my house.

My mom, Alex, Lilly, and I went to see "Hop" which was a very cute movie about the Easter bunny!  Lilly sat through the entire thing which was of great surprise to me.  I could actually enjoy myself too! :)

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This weekend was pretty laid back.  We watched the Butler game last night with some friends!  Today we finally joined a gym.  I can not wait to get back to lifting weights!  Jim and I spent quite a bit of time using the Free Motion machines which I love!!  The babysitting option is actually one that I can trust unlike the childcare at Lifestyle!  

Have a great week everyone!  The 2 month anniversary of Madelyn's death is on Wednesday!  Prayers please that the day goes smoothly!  

Fun-filled Day

Lilly should sleep well tonight!  We went to lunch at Panera and followed that up with a trip the Children's Museum.  Lilly especially enjoyed the Dora & Diego exhibit and the carousel.

We then made a pit-stop at The Flying Cupcake (best cupcakes in Indy) since my cousin, Ryan, and his girlfriend, Katlyn were in town.

The Butler rally was going on since Butler is going to the Final Four (again!).  All of the local vendors supplied food, drinks, and had raffles going on.  Last year, Blue was there, but this bulldog was Blue's replacement this year. :)

To really make Lilly tired, we stopped by Holliday Park.  All of us ate our cupcakes while Lilly tried out the "big kid" slides.  This almost gave me a heart attack, but I got over it.  I'm slightly over-protective but I have chilled out a little bit. :)  Check out Lilly!  I can not believe how fast she is growing up!

And here is Ryan trying to go down the curly-slide!

How I Start My Day

Last night I gave my faith share to my Christ Renews His Parish team.  Initially when they told us that we shouldn't talk for more than 20 minutes, I thought to myself "Don't worry, there is no way I could say that much".  As I started typing, I realized how many twists and turns my life has taken to get me to where I am today.  Some of those were events that are nothing but happy, like meeting my wonderful husband, Jim and some of those make me feel sad, like experiencing deaths in my family, especially the unexpected ones.  I had over 6,000 words and then realized I needed to be around 3,000 to stay under the time limit.  I had to prioritize and figure out what has impacted my faith journey the most and ended up mainly addressing the last few months of my life.  I talked about how my life before Madelyn always seemed rushed and chaotic (even when I wasn't that busy), but since then, I am able to really live in the moment and enjoy life's blessings.

Personal Shopper

Last night, I stopped by Kohl's to pick up some underwear and a new purse.  Lilly turned what was supposed to be a 10 minute trip into a one that lasted much longer.  Here is a little glimpse of our shopping trip:

Girl's Weekend! :)

This weekend I was finally able to spend some quality time with Abbie one of my best friend's.  Between working, having kids, and living in the different cities, it's hard to find time to spend an entire weekend together.  It was great catching up and seeing our daughter's play together.  We also got to enjoy some guilty pleasures like a trip to Target, sushi, iced tea, and Reese's peanut butter cups.  :)  Abbie's daughter and Madelyn were only 2 months apart and we always thought they would grow up together.  However, this weekend I realized the girls will have no problem playing together in a few years.  Right now, a 4 month old and 2 1/2 year old do not share many interests, but a 2 year old and a 4 year old do!  We will just give it some time.  :)

Abbie and I at my wedding

Our kiddos :)

"A friend is someone who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope." -unknown

I am off to take a nap and then will be completing my 3rd week of the 5K training.  It has been going pretty well so far, but my shins are starting to bother me.  If that continues, I will probably take a week off from running and focus more on strength training.  Running has been a great time for self-reflection.  I love pushing myself to run a little bit further each time and I feel a great sense of accomplishment after my workout is over.  Exercise really does rejuvenate your mind and body!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Had to share...

Took this while visiting Madelyn yesterday. :)

Benefits of Blogging

When I started this blog, I just wrote and posted my entries without sharing it with anyone.  The day that I made the video of Madelyn, I decided I wanted to share it with everyone.  I missed her and wanted everyone to see what a beautiful baby she was.  I also thought it was a good depiction of our time with her on earth.  I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, so this is also a way to share my thoughts and feelings without having to say it out loud.  My mom has called me out on this several times.  She would much rather I tell her what I'm feeling and not have to read it on my blog.  Maybe someday I can get to that point! :)

Missing Madelyn

I have found that when I'm challenged by circumstances outside of my control that I start to really miss Madelyn.  I'm not sure exactly why that is.  It kind of reminds of falling down and hurting myself as a child and just wanting my parents to be there to help and comfort me.  

Lately I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions.  I may feel sad on the inside, but I can't cry.  I may be angry, but I can't show it.  I have my words, but no emotion behind them.  I still have the ability to laugh when I'm happy, so it's not as if I am "not there".  

 Coming from someone who cries in every Disney movie when bad things happen to cartoon characters...  I just wonder why this is.  Is it normal and healthy?  It's not something I am doing on purpose.  I have also noticed that I don't even get emotional anymore when about talking about what happened to Madelyn.  I've had to say it so many times that the story doesn't even affect me anymore.  Is this the same as when someone does something wrong so many times that he/she convinces himself that it's OK?  Maybe doing something so often causes the story or action to become someone's new "normal".  This may be a normal part of the grieving process.  It just doesn't make sense that when I'm telling my story to someone, he/she has tears in her eyes, but I'm talking as if it's no big deal.

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." -Psalm 32:8

Do not be afraid, I am with you

This past weekend has lit a fire in me.  I ventured out of my comfort zone and shared myself with so many strong, beautiful women.  While I can not go into details about my specific experiences, I can just say that my perspective on my life, my religion, and my relationship with God is forever changed!  I am so lucky that I was called to attend the retreat when I am just 26 years old -- I was definitely one of the youngest there.  My wonderful sister, who prayed for me to go, was a on the team putting on the retreat.  It was such a blessing to go through this with her.  Jim just attended 2 weeks ago and kept a lot of secrets from me about the experience, so I was so excited to finally be able to talk with him about it.

Retreat Weekend

This weekend I will be attending Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) at my church.  I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend where I'm hoping to strengthen my relationship with God and have some time to reflect.  I will definitely miss Lilly and Jim (and my iPhone :)).  No phones or watches are allowed!  <<Gasp>>

My sister went on the last CRHP so she will be on the team leading the retreat this weekend.  She encouraged me to go once she got back and said what a wonderful experience it was.  6 months ago I didn't feel I was ready to go on the retreat.  It just didn't feel like the right time to go.  I thought I needed to be older and have some more life experiences under my belt.  Little did I know what was to come!

The day after Madelyn's funeral, Jim went to mass (I didn't go since I thought it would make me more upset because I would think about Madelyn's funeral too much).  Anyway, he came home with the bulletin and a flier for CRHP.  With little discussion, we both decided it was a good time for both of us to go.  (He went on the Men's CRHP 2 weeks ago.)

I need to go pack my bags and head to bed!  Someone is picking me up at 6:15 tomorrow morning!  I will be back Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully I will feel rested enough to complete day 3 of the C25k program.  My shins were bothering me yesterday, so I wasn't feeling up to a run today.  Maybe 2 days "off" will be good for me.

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

Another beautiful day

This morning Lilly and I played and did some yard work outside.  I am so excited that Spring is almost here!

While Lilly was drawing with sidewalk chalk on the driveway, I looked up and saw this:

In the past, seeing rays of light coming through the clouds would make me think of Heaven, but now it makes me think of my sweet Madelyn.  She is definitely shining her light down on me.  

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's a gorgeous day in Indianapolis!  It would be difficult to be anything but happy on a day like today.

Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Reciting 2 simple sentences can be a real struggle sometimes...

John 3:16 Day

It's OK to be happy

I've learned it's OK to be happy.  Shortly after Madelyn passed away, I would feel guilty if I found myself enjoying anything. I would be out to eat with friends, having a good time, and then all of a sudden I would think "Why and how can I be enjoying myself?"  I almost felt like I should be forcing myself to be sad so I could keep my feelings raw.

I've discovered that I should go on with life.  Madelyn's physical self is no longer here, but I focus on the fact that she is with me in spirit and try to make the most of each day.  I find myself talking to her a lot.  Some may call me crazy, but luckily my faith enables me to know that she is still by my side.

Thankful

I completed my first day of the C25K (Couch to 5K) training today.  I wasn't really looking forward to it because 1. I hate to run and 2. It was cold and windy.  I sucked it up, said a little prayer for God to help me get through it without quitting, and started my warm-up.  I downloaded the C25K app for my iPhone which came in handy.  You can easily make a playlist within the app to listen to while you train.  Day 1 included alternating 60 seconds of running (9x) and 90 seconds of walking (8x) with a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down.  When the nice man in the app told me to run, I probably rolled my eyes and started.  To my surprise, I actually enjoyed running today.  No joke.  Normally after 4-5 steps, I'm ready to quit.  I immediately thanked my little guardian angel and went on my way.  :)  I even ran and walked a little extra after my session was over.  I'm not anticipating each session to go this well, but am very thankful that day 1 was enjoyable.

"Visiting" Madelyn

Today I was out driving and was in close proximity to Our Lady of Peace, so decided I would stop by to spend some time with Madelyn.  As I wiped mud off of her temporary grave marker with baby wipes, I began to get a little mad.  I know that this was God's will, but the reality of it all really sucks.  I shouldn't be excited that they put more dirt on top of Madelyn's grave because now it won't look so sunken in.  It bothers me that there isn't grass on top of the spot where she is buried.  I want Spring to come so the tree that shades her will have green leaves and pretty flowers.  I'm worried about the appearance of where she is because I can't physically take care of her anymore.  This is all I have left...

Lilly goes to the Dentist

Yesterday while I was on the phone, Lilly came up to me saying "my tooth, my tooth, my tooth".  I had her open her mouth and took what looked like a piece of a tooth out of her mouth.  I thought that she had chipped a tooth, so I called the pediatric dentist's office -- the same place that I went to when I was little (except in a new office :)).  After I made the appointment, I read on their website to put a tooth in milk or water to preserve it before you see the dentist.  I put the piece in a Ziploc with water and when I went to look at it an hour later, it had dissolved.  Oops - it must not have been a tooth!

Keeping Madelyn's Memory Alive

When Madelyn passed away, I decided I needed to do things in her honor.  We set up a memorial fund at our parish.  We will meet with someone at the church to see what the needs of the parish are before we decide what to do with that money.

A lot of generous friends and family also sent us money to use for whatever we needed.  Although it would be great to use that for medical bills, funeral costs, or a new roof, we will be putting all of that money into her fund as well.  We will also be purchasing a gift for the NICU at St. Vincent Carmel.  In just 5 days, the nurses and doctors became family to us and we want to thank them with something that will be of use in the NICU.  I am really excited about our idea! :)

Parents' Decision

Catholic Vote article

I just read this article.  The article hit close to home because this is exactly what made Madelyn's situation a life/death one.  Because her brain was so underdeveloped, she did not know how to swallow (which is why I had so much amniotic fluid a.k.a polyhydramnios).  If you don't know how to swallow, you can't handle your natural secretions and they end up building up and blocking your airway.  Madelyn was able to breathe on her own for a little over a day, but had to be "suctioned out".  Think of the little tool that you spit into at the dentist...  She was finally placed on the ventilator after she "crashed" about 6 times within an hour.  The vent plus the suctioning kept her very stable.

Madelyn Grace Video

1 month old

Our beautiful baby, Madelyn

This grieving thing is not my cup of tea.  I'm not a big fan of surprises and the fact that I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next is pretty hard.  Today has been one of those "difficult" days.  Madelyn would have been 4 weeks old today.  Lilly was not sleeping well early this morning so I brought her out to the family room so I could hold her in a comfortable chair.  I was completely "fine"<-- (that's a relative term) until the morning news came on and the news lady announced that it was 6 a.m. on March 1st.  Madelyn came into the world exactly 4 weeks ago.  Whenever I think of her birth, I think about how I was completely clueless at that point as to what was in store for me in the days to follow.  I was prepared to take a child home that could possibly have some developmental delays, not to go home empty handed and immediately start planning a funeral and finding a burial plots.  

Let it out

This weekend I had the privilege to talk to 2 friends about Madelyn - thank you Jenny and Katie.  I am horrible at trying to express my feelings because I hate crying in front of other people.  Usually I just allow myself to cry in the shower and I tell myself that I'm done once I get it out.  It was refreshing to have a normal conversation and explain my feelings and how I have been doing -- even with some tears involved.  I felt so much better after both conversations.  Who needs a therapist when you have great friends?

One Thousand Gifts

I have been reading a lot lately.  Mainly books on infant death, grieving, and Heaven.  I ordered 3 books on Wednesday that I thought would have nothing to do with grieving, pain, etc.  The books that I ordered are "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst, and Organized Simplicity by Tsh (no, I didn't leave out a vowel) Oxenreider.  I found these titles on the www.incourage.me website which I stumbled upon while reading Angie Smith's blog, audreycaroline.blogspot.com.  All 3 books arrived last night (a day earlier than expected!) and I decided to begin One Thousand Gifts.  On the (in)courage website, there is actually a video book club (by chapter) that you can use as you read the book.  I am 3 chapters in and I really do think it will be a life-changing book.  There is a lot of talk about death (even infant death - a topic I was hoping to avoid) in the first chapter.  It has really helped change my perspective on why things happen the way that they do and that we really do have a lot to be thankful for in the midst of some difficult situations in our lives.

You can order the book from the (in)courage website, but I found it on Amazon for a little less $$.  Here is the link to the book club for Chapter 1 of One Thousand Gifts.  **The woman on the left is Angie Smith who wrote another book that I just read "I Will Carry You".

Chapter 1 Book Club - One Thousand Gifts

Enjoy!

Medical Bills and a God Moment

I used to get upset over outrageous medical bills because they were so expensive and I just don't understand how certain things cost so much.  I do not have those feels with the care that Madelyn and I received while we were in the hospital.  Those doctors earned every penny that was billed to us (and our insurance company). 

Anyway, as I was sitting in the car opening up the mail (I don't have the patience to wait until I get inside to do this), I was crying.  Seeing Madelyn's name at the top of the E.O.B.s (explanation of benefits) and going through all 4 sheets with the charges from each of her NICU doctors made me quickly relive some moments in the hospital - some good and some bad. 
2/1/11 - when she was born and totally unaware of what was ahead of us
2/2-5/11 - numerous doctor's visits with horrible news from the nuerologist, watching her crashing and then getting put on life support, deciding we would have to take her off of life support
2/6/11 - spending our last moments with Madelyn, holding her as she got a dose of morphine to ensure she wasn't in any pain in her last moments, saying goodbye, having the doctor come into our room to confirm that there was no longer a heartbeat

I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend with Madelyn, but a lot of my memories in the hospital really hurt to think about.

As I was sitting in the car, listening to K-Love, JD Chandler got on the air and said "If you are going through pain right now and don't really know why you are experiencing so much hurt, this song is for you."  The song spoke directly to me and I have to say that God/Madelyn had something to do with it.

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

The Nursery

As positive as I'm trying to be with this, there are some things that just really suck.  We did not find out that anything could have been wrong with Madelyn until the middle of January, and we did not know what was wrong was fatal until after she was born.  That being said, we had a nursery waiting for Madelyn at home.  The crib was all set up and ready to go along with a new bassinet that I was so looking forward to using once we brought her home.  The walls were painted.  The floor was scrubbed.  New blinds were bought for the windows.  The newborn diapers were stocked, blankets and clothes were washed and ready to be used.  After being at the hospital for over a week, we came home without Madelyn and felt the sting even more when we saw her empty room.

As a way of coping, I filled her crib with everything that we had to remember Madelyn.

Madelyn's room

Madelyn's outfits

I am trying really hard to separate the things that remind me of Madelyn from my memories with Madelyn.  So, we are now in the process of taking apart the nursery.  My dad was nice enough to take care of re-painting the walls.  Jim took the crib down last night.  Putting a nursery together causes your mind to flood with excitement of what the future is going to bring and packing everything away crushes all of those thoughts.  I'm sure a lot of people that haven't experienced this loss are thinking that we will be able to fill this void with another child, but that really isn't the case.  We had hopes and dreams for what our lives would be like with another baby, a sister for Lilly, a different family dynamic.  All of those were taken away from us without much warning.

I don't know if I'm ready to stop referring to that bedroom as Madelyn's room, but it needs to happen at some point.  She lives in us, not in an empty room.

Bring the Rain

Indescribable

It's 1:20 pm.  I am still sitting at the dining room table in my pajamas, but I have accomplished some big things today.

1. I ate a healthy breakfast.
2. I re-committed myself to using sparkpeople.com to lose this baby weight, plus some more.
3. I read more of my book.
4. I ordered 3 new books from Amazon.com - One Thousand Gifts, Organized Simplicity, and Made to Crave
5. I played with Lilly.
6. I let Lilly play with 3 different colors of play-doh at the same time.  I'm normally a one-color-at-a-time kind of girl.  Luckily, she kept all of the colors separated and didn't mix them into an ugly brown.
7. I read more of Angie Smith's blog.  -- audreycaroline.blogspot.com  I just finished her book "I Will Carry You"
8. I prayed.
9. I ate vegetables at lunch.
10. I watered some plants.
11. I washed and dried our bedding.
12. I talked to my wonderful sister on the phone and opened up to her about how I've been feeling.
13. I jumped rope in the family room with Lilly.
14. I broke out my big water bottle from St. Vincent Carmel and actually drank some water.

I still feel very empty and sad, but I have been putting a lot of effort into trying to find the positives out of this situation.  So, to go back to the title of this blog post, it is an indescribable feeling because I feel very empty yet so full of something else that I can quite describe.  I feel like I'm going to have more purpose now.  I am excited to grow even if that means leaving behind old relationships and gaining new ones.  I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago.  I have changed and will continue to change.  I will let God continue to carry me where ever He pleases.